Constant criticism. How annoying is their constant criticism! Criticism: good and different
Critic at the zoo: looked at the giraffe, said: "As usual, too stretched and not typical."
Often we can observe how people criticize or, on the contrary, become the object of criticism themselves. So where does the need to criticize come from? Is there any use in criticism? What is positive criticism? What is the impact of criticism on the psyche?
There are several ways to express criticism: verbally, in writing, and finally through actions. Criticism is defined as the identification and demonstration of various shortcomings, positive and negative aspects of a person or object. From a moral point of view, criticism can be positive or negative. Given these factors, the impact of criticism will also be different.
What makes a person criticize?
Criticism can be useful and contribute to the development and improvement of both personal and social life, in the case when mistakes are pointed out with good intentions. Such criticism can be classified as positive, it aims to correct mistakes.
People who prefer negative criticism, after a while acquire the habit of seeing only negative qualities in everything. Negative criticism can be based on personal interests, emotions, envy and rivalry. In such cases, there is no good intention and desire to correct the error or solve the problem. Both sides get only harm from such criticism. A sincere desire to help, an unbiased assessment and the absence of personal considerations often relieve destructive criticism, but one should feel subtly when criticism is appropriate and in what form it should be presented.
In today's world, we can see how many respected individuals are subjected to damaging criticism on television, in print and on radio. In the course of various discussions, one can hear a lot of critical remarks about the opponent, pursuing one single goal - to inflict moral and material harm. Such tactics cause irreparable damage to public life and must be eradicated.
In the manner of Western society, we develop individualism with excessive selfishness. In such a society, people try to humiliate others in order not to be humiliated themselves. By subjecting others to destructive criticism, people try to protect their interests in order to succeed. As a result, complacency and selfishness flourishes, increasing negative criticism.
Destructive criticism is characterized by a lack of empathy and sympathy for the opponent. A person with the ability to understand and sympathize is less prone to the manifestation of destructive criticism.
People who tend to notice negative qualities and are pessimists are more inclined to look for flaws in everyone and everything. The tendency to criticize also increases in people who feel unhappy and unsatisfied, while they themselves may not notice their condition. These people need help from others.
For example, during the game, a child with a pessimistic attitude may perceive any statement of his comrades addressed to him as an attempt to offend him. To protect himself, he will criticize them and decide that he is not loved. People close to him should show attention and care in this case.
It has been noticed that people who try too hard to achieve perfection in everything are also inclined to evaluate everyone. Wishing to eliminate all mistakes, they bring them to the judgment of others and thereby aggravate the stressful state of the object of their criticism. For example, parents striving for excellence may require their child to study only for A's. With a high degree of probability, the child will not be able to justify such expectations, which can cause him stress and prevent him from revealing his best qualities.
On a subconscious level, the critic believes: “My knowledge and skills are much better!”. Based on this thought, he looks for flaws in people or events. Finding flaws, such a person, as it were, proves that he knows and can do much more than his opponent. Such criticism gradually leads to the growth of narcissism and selfishness, and acquires a destructive force.
It happens that they resort to criticism to hide their mistakes. Similar situations can often be found in organizations. The critic thinks that if he finds flaws in the work of others, he will strengthen his authority while at the same time hiding his mistakes. If such tactics are used in a family, it can lead to quarrels between its members. A person who evaluates everyone and everything from a negative point of view often experiences doubts and is stressed. Spreading negative energy on others, such a person eventually finds himself in isolation.
How does the criticized feel?
Before giving an assessment, it should be understood that all spoken words will be reflected from the criticized and this reflection can be both positive and negative. Think about the impact that criticism will have on a person and his actions in the future, what benefits and for whom your criticism brings. Keep in mind that if you fail to formulate an assessment with a positive attitude, criticism can harm your opponent.
Basically, criticism puts the criticized into a state of stress, and this can subsequently lead to a deterioration in relations between people. It is noted that a person who subjects everything to destructive criticism feels lonely even in the family. Surrounding shun such people as they always receive negative assessments.
Along with criticism, the interlocutor sometimes has a feeling of rejection. A person who constantly listens to criticism in his address feels like a loser and his self-esteem becomes low. In such conditions, his anxiety grows and, being in a state of constant stress, he makes more and more mistakes. In turn, a person who often makes mistakes receives more negative criticism.
Criticism can lead a person to a loss of activity and courage, or to an increase in irritation. A person receiving negative assessments every day becomes timid, but if the criticized one shows anger, further dialogue with him becomes impossible.
Despite the presence of worthy qualities, for unknown reasons, attention is focused only on his mistakes and mistakes. When the strengths of the criticized are constantly ignored, their number decreases over time, because if the gardener begins to pay attention only to weeds, then the garden will soon run wild. A person constantly criticized feels unhappy and can withdraw into himself.
What is positive criticism?
When appreciating a person or any object, special attention should be paid to the tone with which we do it. Whether or not an opponent will benefit from our criticism depends to a large extent on the critic's intentions, which are easy to understand through the words used and the style of presentation of the assessment.
Avoid harsh expressions that can provoke the interlocutor, try to point out mistakes as softly as possible and your criticism will be positive and constructive. In this way, we can position the opponent so that he will get the maximum benefit from our opinion. Otherwise, we run the risk of pushing the criticized away from us and he will simply become immune to our arguments.
If, when criticizing, we proceed from the fact that the object is not good enough and has flaws, we will get subjective criticism. If our criticism is based on generally accepted standards and criteria, we can achieve objective criticism. For example, if you build a speech using the phrases “I believe”, “I think”, “my opinion”, then it is highly likely that the criticized will remain deaf to our comments. In order to be heard, we should build our speech using the words “recent research has shown”, “opinion of leading experts in this field”, etc. In other words, try to substantiate your comments and standards in your speech using objective sources.
Criticism will be positive if colleagues share their experience and knowledge with us, or our leader expresses his opinion on some issue, since the criticized person in this case is able to derive some benefit by achieving better results. Many people, listening to such criticism, are freed from their shortcomings and become better. In education and upbringing, such criticism is sometimes even necessary.
Despite the fact that our criticism is aimed at correcting shortcomings, we can get the opposite effect. Instead of correcting, errors can, on the contrary, take root even deeper. Try to avoid saying who is right, instead focus on how the person should be. It would be wrong if you constantly repeat to the opponent about his shortcomings, this can lead to addiction and rooting of these shortcomings. Change tactics and remember the strengths of the person, and only mention the shortcomings in passing.
It is especially important to talk about positive qualities in communicating with children. If you entrusted the child with the performance of any task, and he made a mistake, then you should first point out the positive qualities shown and only after that talk about the mistakes. With this approach, we will be able to maintain a warm relationship and maintain his self-confidence.
Criticism of your co-workers should be avoided, as you risk getting criticism in return. In addition, you can cause the spread of slander and unfriendly relations in the team. As a result, an atmosphere may develop where everyone will begin to notice only each other's mistakes. In such a team, relationships and mutual understanding will be violated, and the lack of mutual assistance and support will make work difficult.
It is necessary to understand the following: “If you criticize everything and object to everything, then you are working for destruction. Instead, if you don't like something, you should think about how to make it better. As a result of destructive criticism, we can only get ruins. Creation is necessary to build a city.”
What is the use of criticism?
Constructive criticism is useful, while destructive criticism can only bring harm. Positive criticism contributes to the elimination of mistakes and avoids their repetition. If criticism takes a creative form, then it plays the role of a mirror in which we can observe ourselves and our mistakes, so as not to repeat them later. Constructive criticism is sometimes necessary in a team, destructive criticism, on the contrary, can become a source of big problems.
Most people don't like it when they point out their mistakes. But if you look at it from the side of personal growth, then the acceptance of constructive criticism is necessary. Naturally, an appropriate manner of presentation should be used in this case. In the field of education and upbringing, constructive criticism contributes to the development of science and the formation of personality.
In order to achieve success in life, you need to maintain a positive outlook on the environment. We need to become partners both for our leaders and for our subordinates. This attitude will help you succeed and gain the respect and love of others.
Summarizing
If the critic is not demanding enough of himself, this can become a serious obstacle to his growth and prevent him from correcting his own mistakes.
A person who has a habit of criticizing must take into account the fact that he can become the object of gossip and slander on the part of the team.
People who see beauty think positively and enjoy life itself. When we are able to see the positive side and think positively, we will not offend anyone and our actions will be constructive.
It has long been known that it is easier to break than to build, but despite this, the destructive style of criticism has found its place in society. It is not easy to act positively in a society where there are people who favor negative criticism, which undoubtedly gives the opponent some advantage. If you decide to resort to criticism, carefully consider whether the game is worth the candle.
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I have friends who criticize everyone all the time. They cannot simply remain silent if a person looks, says, does something not the way they think is right. If the opinions of people do not coincide with their own and only true, then the mass critics immediately fall upon these people. The most interesting thing is that neither the age of those whom they criticize, nor the position, nor the degree of acquaintance they care about - they will express everything that they think to absolutely any person.
You can not react to such criticism if you encounter it not so often and the opinion of this person, to put it mildly, is indifferent to you. But if from day to day you have to endure, listen and agree (or disagree, than provoke a conflict) someone else's criticism, life turns into survival.
Criticism in relationships
This topic is especially acute in the relationship of young spouses with their parents. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, mother-in-law and son-in-law are the most common conflict situations. My friend recently got married and moved to live with her husband and his mother. After living for three months, she realized that this could no longer continue. The husband's mother criticizes everything that a friend does or she and her husband do. Reproaches are born from scratch: “why are you sitting at home, go for a walk”, “where do you go, you are not at home all the time”, “how many clothes can you buy for him, there is nowhere to put them”, “what other repairs, nothing is needed” .
What can we say about the fact that the newlyweds in a two-room apartment have no place to be alone. One room is mother's, the other is the hall where mother spends all her free time until late at night, watching TV. Taking some drastic measures in this situation means provoking a conflict and exacerbating an already difficult situation, but simply talking to her is not possible.
There are a lot of people who want to criticize everything and everything. Their criticality does not appear over the years, it seems that they are born with it. It is one thing when a “grumpy” mother-in-law or mother-in-law “saws” the young, but when the young themselves are not able to restrain their discontent and, appropriately or inappropriately, begin to express indignation ... This is alarming. What's next for these people?
I came to only one conclusion: it is impossible to change a person, a person can only change himself. If you want to eradicate an undesirable quality in him, then all you can do is encourage him to work on himself. How to do it? Visually demonstrate all the negative aspects of his behavior, focus on positive trends: he did not criticize the person - he maintained friendly relations. However, with some people, even the most categorical actions do not work, they remain in their opinion, in any situation.
“My girlfriend is not satisfied with literally everything in me - how I dress, what I read, how I speak, and even my friends she does not like. No matter what I do, it's not good enough for her. I live under the pressure of constant criticism. I'm afraid I won't be able to live up to her expectations. How can I convince my friend not to pick on me over little things?”
You are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking, "How can I convince my girlfriend not to pick on me over little things?" you should be asking yourself, "What keeps me going with someone who doesn't value me?" From the question, it is obvious that your girlfriend is not hiding the truth from you too much - she does not love you! Moreover, she doesn't like you. Perhaps she enjoys the very possibility of executing and pardoning you as she pleases. In this case, you will never meet the expectations of a friend, because she wants you to turn into something completely different, into a different person. For you, this is not a relationship, but continuous self-torture!
You should start looking for an answer to an important question for you: why did you get carried away by a woman who does not put you in a penny? You understand what I'm talking about - you need to analyze the emotional programs embedded in you since childhood. There is no doubt that your behavior is the result of psychological trauma suffered in childhood - you lacked the support, attention and praise of someone you loved deeply. Maybe you have suffered from the constant nagging criticism from your mother and father, unsuccessfully trying to meet their overestimated requirements. Remember: “you are capable, and therefore obliged to study for one five”, “you must go in for sports”, “you set yourself not high enough goals”, and so on. It's no wonder that you ended up unconsciously making the decision, "I'm bad, and I need to make constant super efforts so that someone can love me." Choosing to partner with a woman who tends to treat you like a bad child, you restore the atmosphere of your childhood. Just like then, you are trying to keep up with the illusion of perfection: "Maybe now I can finally please someone who loves me."
Perhaps, as a child, you yourself were not the object of derogatory criticism, but only observed such relationships between parents. For example, if your mother constantly “sawed” your father or threw deafening tantrums at him, and you knew that dad was a good, but weak-willed person. Unconsciously trying to imitate him, you choose for yourself a woman who looks like your mother - and suffer from her the same as he does. In our personal lives, we often act out plays from the lives of our own parents, playing the role of the one with whom we subconsciously identify ourselves. For some, even the very idea of abandoning this complex and overcoming its influence is a betrayal of a beloved parent.
Regardless of what it was that led you into a relationship with a woman who sees you as some kind of defective toy, one thing is clear: you need to break up with her immediately! After that, you need to refrain from new connections for a while, at least until you cope with your emotional program and feel changed. When you start to respect and trust yourself, you will no longer contact a partner who openly neglects you.
Quite often we express our critical opinion about other people, and also receive a portion of criticism ourselves. A significant part of these remarks is said "behind the back", but the rest has to be faced face to face. The boundaries of criticism range from light "tingling" (critical remarks) to harsh criticism-orders. Are there people who like criticism? Probably not. However, some people know how to perceive it correctly, while others do not.
Criticism: good and different
Let's start with the fact that criticism is different - constructive and non-constructive. A very important skill in the life of any person is the ability to distinguish between these two types of criticism. The matter is complicated by the fact that criticism, in fact, can be not of two, but of four types:
- constructive both in form and content;
- constructive in content, but non-constructive in form;
- constructive in form, but non-constructive in content;
- unconstructive both in form and content.
Example: the wife-housewife did not have time to prepare dinner for the arrival of her husband and asked him to wait half an hour. The husband is very hungry, besides, he warned his wife about the time of his arrival in advance. How can his criticism sound?
"I'm upset that you didn't cook dinner, even though you knew in advance when I would come. I'm very hungry. I ask you to better timing next time." This criticism is constructive both in form and in content. The wife is likely to react calmly and consider criticism for the future. The evening will end in a warm atmosphere.
"I think you need to rethink your ability to plan your day. Until you can handle it." This criticism is polite and constructive, but only in form; its content is incorrect, because there is an incorrect generalization. Perhaps the wife’s whole day was well planned: she managed to take the child to school, go to the market for groceries, put things in order at home, pick up the child from school and take him to extracurricular activities, bring him home, feed him. She'd had an objectively busy day, and her late dinner wasn't the result of bad planning. Most likely, a woman will react precisely to the form (aggression, uncertain excuses or offended silence). She will consider herself undeservedly offended. However, if the husband is used to criticizing in a constructive way, then perhaps the wife is also used to responding constructively. It is possible that the conflict will be resolved if the husband admits that he was wrong and reformulates the phrase.
"Why isn't dinner ready?! As always, there's nothing to eat! Why do I have to wait when I come home hungry after a day's work?!" This criticism is generally correct in content but incorrect in form. Most likely, the wife will justify herself, and if the flow of criticism does not stop, then either defensive aggression will “turn on”, or she will be offendedly silent, putting a plate of food in front of him in half an hour. Perhaps she will draw conclusions for herself for the future, because. there is a rational grain in criticism, but her mood will be spoiled. Despite the fact that the husband was right in the essence of the message, she will feel hurt. The evening (perhaps more than one) will be ruined. With the frequent repetition of such a situation, mutual understanding in the family is called into question.
"Clumsy! I got a bad mistress!" This phrase is unconstructive both in content and in form. Firstly, the husband does not condemn the act of his wife, but gives a negative assessment of her personality, and besides, in a rude way. Secondly, such "criticism" is not useful, it does not help to overcome shortcomings in a person's actions, but only causes a response surge of negativity. In general, this is the worst kind of criticism, literally "corroding", like rust, any relationship.
Thus, completely constructive criticism "works" best of all, i.e. true in content and expressed correctly and respectfully. Such criticism is necessary for each of us, as it reflects, as in a mirror, our shortcomings, shortcomings, mistakes. And precisely because she speaks correctly, we get a chance to correct these mistakes. Of course, such criticism can be unpleasant, but it is she who has the most chances to be heard and accepted.
The remaining varieties of criticism evoke mostly negative emotions, leading to defensive reactions, either self-justification, or repelling "attacks," or silent self-criticism. This path can lead to the destruction of relations or to the forced preservation of a “good face in a bad game”, when the criticized is so strongly dependent on the critic that he cannot break off relations and decides to endure (“I live with him and suffer, but where will I go with two children?", "The boss is bad, but the salary is good"). This is the path of dissatisfaction, leading to emotional outbursts.
Who criticizes us and why?
As we found out, criticism is often non-constructive, and therefore we are used to internally defending ourselves from it. What are the main motives of the critics?
They want to assert themselves by lowering us. There are people who tend to criticize anything and everything. Any action of others (be it a relative, girlfriend, colleague or unfamiliar person) they initially evaluate from the point of view of why it is erroneous. And often immediately give out this information to the addressee. These people seem to be confident know-it-alls, but in fact they have unstable low self-esteem. They support her by criticizing others. They found someone else's "mistake", and this creates the illusion that they themselves are smarter and more sinless. Their criticism is not constructive: often they immediately say that "something" is bad, but they cannot give clear explanations why this is so. The external goal may be good - to help a person understand his mistake, but in fact, the internal goal is much more important - raising self-esteem. Therefore, such people are almost impossible to please, no matter how much you act according to their advice.
We are envious. A popular reason for unconstructive criticism. What is envy? A person realizes that he lacks something (knowledge, qualities, achievements, material objects, etc.), and tries to devalue this fact for himself, disguisedly criticizing what he envy: "This dress suits you very much, it is beautiful hides the flaws of your figure! This criticism can also be hidden behind a mask of deanery, but only the critic himself needs it in order to feel the establishment of some balance: yes, let her have something that I don’t have, but I told her that!
They want to spoil the mood, because dislike. If relations with someone do not add up, if there is a constant background of discontent, then there is ground for constant pricks of criticism. This can happen between the daughter-in-law and, colleagues, "sworn" friends. A person who feels dislike for another will look for the smallest reason for criticism. Sometimes it will be veiled ("What delicious pancakes! It's okay that you spent half a bottle of oil"), sometimes direct ("What kind of hostess are you, even if you don't know how to wash the dishes!"). This criticism shows a general attitude towards a person, and no matter how much you listen to it, the critic will still find something to complain about.
They try to vent their negative emotions. Everyone knows about this method, and each of us is either a victim or a provocateur of this. If a person has trouble at work, then, most likely, his relatives will serve as a "lightning rod". Arriving home in a bad mood, he finds a couple of criticisms for others: a child watching a cartoon (“You don’t do anything useful, lazy!”), his wife (“You don’t know how to cook anything yourself, dumplings again!”) And other family members. This "criticism", unfortunately, is a well-established form of behavior in many families. However, if you suspect that the cause of anger is not at all in your actions, you can safely ask: "Did something happen to you? Tell me, and we will think it over together." Perhaps this will change the situation. But if the person continues to attack, just distance yourself from him. A normal conversation will not work, and the situation can be worsened by mutual accusations.
They want to achieve their own selfish goal. For example, two friends in the store liked the same thing. One begins to criticize the other (“You don’t suit the color, style, figure is not for this blouse”), and then buys it for herself. Or one of the employees found out that a vacancy for a higher position was opened in the department and began to criticize potential competitors in advance in the hope of getting this position.
And finally, they wish us well. Sometimes close people, friends, colleagues tell us something impartial, but true. It is possible that we made some mistake or did not do what we should have done. Inwardly, we ourselves experienced remorse, and the words of others in this case show us that other people also agree with our conscience. Of course, for some time our feelings intensify, we even try to look for excuses for ourselves, but the inner voice tells us: "You understand that you were wrong. Do not try to deceive yourself." If the surrounding people remain silent, fearing to offend, the person will not only not endure a useful experience, but will also consolidate the erroneous behavior, thinking that there is “nothing wrong” in it, since the environment was silent. Constructive criticism does not need to be defended, it needs to be recognized and processed, and if the spirit is strong, then thank the one who criticized.
All these motifs can be combined in different proportions. Sometimes there is some truth in the words, but well “flavored” with either a negative attitude, or envy, or a desire to assert oneself, or “ride” at our expense. In every situation where criticism hurts you, you need to learn to look "for" it, revealing the motives pursued by the critic. This will help you respond appropriately.
You are criticized: how to react?
The tactics we use when we hear criticism can be very different. Moreover, for the same person, it varies, depending on the situation and who exactly criticizes him. And yet, each of us has one or more favorite reactions, which largely determine the style of our relations with others. How else, if criticism is a significant part of communication?
There are five main types of reaction to criticism.
"Justification". Perhaps the most common type, nurtured from childhood. This is the reaction that adults expect from a child, and many children successfully learn: if you make a guilty look and cry, the adult will fall behind. They demonstrate the same strategy, having matured - they begin to make excuses. They want to "enter into their position", "show understanding", in the end, take pity on them. They speak in such a pleading and hesitant tone that their words can not be called rational explanations. Well, often it is this reaction that satisfies the critic. He sees "sincere" repentance and decides that the goal has been achieved. However, this tactic bears rather negative results: a person, having begun to make excuses, continues to internally experience this situation, looking for new excuses, but already in a dialogue with himself. It takes away strength and energy that could have been spent on useful activities. A person's mood decreases, and he feels insecure, unable to defend his position.
"Aggression". The next most popular type. Such people react too aggressively, starting to blame in response. We can also see this reaction in preschoolers who answer: "He's like that!" The response is often harsh, sometimes offensive. There can be no talk of any constructive dialogue, because the defender turns on a powerful defense mechanism through an attack. If a person uses this method often, then the glory of an unbalanced and not too smart one, unable to accept a word of criticism, is assigned to him. A social "vacuum" can form around him, because. any communication is impossible without a share of criticism. Those around him will be afraid to say anything "sharp" to him, and even constructive criticism (and it is one of the foundations) will no longer reach his ears.
"Negation". This type of reaction is very interesting and also "grows" from childhood. In order to block accusations, a person may deny that he is the culprit of what happened. We all resort to this method from time to time, especially in situations where the opponent cannot be sure of our guilt. Is the copier broken? What do I have to do with it? Many people use it! Or: "it's not me who removed your disks, probably you removed it yourself and forgot!" An interesting situation develops when the critic brings evidence of guilt. In this case, either the reaction of justification or aggression is used. However, there are people who use denial, despite the fact that their guilt is obvious. This causes bewilderment of others, and the label of "eccentrics" is attached to the deniers.
How to resist criticism?
Sometimes we are criticized by minor (and other "-power") people, in relation to whom it is quite possible to apply alternative tactics that do not lead to a solution to the problem, but "put" in place. The main tactics are:
- You calmly and reasonably say whether you think the criticism is justified. If yes (albeit in a separate part), then admit it out loud, if not, then give calm, confident arguments why this is so and not otherwise. Further discussion try to lead in a constructive way. If the conversation takes the form of a fight, offer to continue later when you both have calmed down.
- Be silent trying to fill the silence with a mood of confidence, strength and bewilderment that devalues criticism. A silent pause at first will be your assistant: during it, you can pacify emotions and consider criticism.
- Answer with a joke, irony, a paradoxical phrase, which will be unexpected for the critic.
- Move the conversation to another topic showing that criticism is not that important to you.
- Postponing the conversation for later to take the necessary "time out" for reflection. Sometimes you can say directly: "I need time to think about what you said, and we will return to this conversation later," and sometimes you can simply refer to "urgent" matters to get time.
"Silence". This reaction consists in the fact that a person, having heard criticism addressed to him, is silent or leaves. Most often this means resentment and refusal to communicate. If such a reaction is the most frequently used, then this leads to an accumulation of misunderstanding, because issues remain unspoken. Also, such people let criticism inside themselves, not releasing it back. This can lead to chronic diseases (hypertension, diseases of the gastrointestinal tract, vegetovascular dystonia). Silence, along with inner feelings, is one of the worst ways to react to criticism, literally "corroding" a person from the inside.
"Analysis". This is the most correct way to respond to criticism. In this case, a person is able to overcome negative response emotions, understand whether criticism is constructive or destructive, and respond to it correctly. Such a reaction helps a person to take the "rational grain" out of criticism and promotes personal growth.
If a calm analysis of criticism is the best way, then does this mean that all others are completely unsuitable and must be overcome? Of course not. They just have to stop being habitual and apply in appropriate situations.
Learning to respond to criticism correctly
The first ingredient in your reaction when you hear criticism is emotional. You may feel awkward, bewildered, insecure, calm, angry. In any case, emotion comes first, and only then does the mind turn on. With this in mind, apply the following rules:
- Try to deal with negative emotions. If you are not balanced internally, you will not be able to respond correctly. A good helper is the "dissociation" method: try to look at the situation as if from the outside (both at yourself and at the critic), as if you were a spectator in the theater, and action is taking place on the stage. This will reduce the intensity of emotions and enable analysis of the situation.
- Don't show emotion. Even if you failed to cope with emotions (and this happens when the negative is too strong, and even the blow fell on a sore spot), do not show it. If a person strove for self-affirmation, wanted to spoil the mood or wanted to throw out anger, then your confused look is what he needs. Don't give him that pleasure.
- Speak confidently. How controlled you are shows the tone of your voice. "Correct" phrases, uttered in a quiet, doubtful tone, will be regarded as an attempt to justify themselves. If you speak firmly, confidently and calmly, then they will be perceived as evidence and reasonable arguments.
The second component of the response to criticism is analytical. It comes only when you manage your emotions. Sometimes this moment comes very slowly or does not come at all. Hearing criticism, a person cannot cope with emotions and begins to either make excuses or scream. Then he continues to worry internally, justifying himself and finding reasons to hate the offender. Then he decides something (for example, no longer communicate with this person, or prick him in response on occasion, or recognizes him as envious) and calms down. The moment of rational analysis never arrives. And we need to learn how to turn our head on almost immediately.
First of all, you must determine how constructive criticism is, both in form and content. Because first of all, our emotions react to the form (offensive or businesslike), and you coped with them, then you are ready to understand whether there is some truth in criticism.
After evaluating criticism for constructiveness, you proceed to pondering the goals of the opponent, standing "behind" criticism. To clarify the motives, you can ask a direct question: "What do you want to achieve by telling me this?". Look at the reaction - it will tell you. And then act according to the circumstances. Sometimes you can and should tell a person that, in your opinion, he, by criticizing you, is striving for his own goals, and sometimes this is not worth doing. First of all, it is important that you internally understand where the criticism "legs grow from."
Assessing the constructiveness of criticism and the goals of the opponent, you must formulate what is more important for you in this situation: to feel like a winner at all costs, or to maintain a relationship. Sometimes relationships with a person are so important for us that we must definitely discuss the situation and come to an agreement, no matter how outraged we are.
So, now you are ready to correctly evaluate the criticism directed at you and adequately respond. It may take a long time at first, and you will take a "silent pause", move the conversation to another topic, or postpone the conversation. However, gradually you will be able to “train” in such a way that you will overcome emotional discomfort, determine the constructive criticism and goals of your opponent in half a minute.
Julia Vasilkina
Psychologist, Moscow
Article provided by the journal "Pregnancy. From conception to childbirth" N 05 2007
Ekaterina86
Ekaterina, 30 years old
My husband is hyper-responsible.
After the birth of my daughter, my husband and I began to have scandals. In his opinion, I constantly do everything wrong, he even asks: "how are you doing it on purpose." I don’t feed it properly, it’s not enough, the child is hungry, I choose things incorrectly, I manage money incorrectly, and not only at the moment, but in general with any amounts, I treat her incorrectly, I don’t care well, I don’t work out at all and I don’t develop the child, a little that I didn’t have time to do the housework - a bad housewife, an asshole, etc. She constantly criticizes me even in those moments of life when we were not yet acquainted. Very often I hear irritation addressed to me.
I can't figure out why there's so much criticism and what's going on. The last dispute is generally absurd, I want to stop breastfeeding, he is dissatisfied, he thinks that it is necessary to continue feeding, and quit as he considers it right. It seems like he doesn't care about my opinion. In the midst of a scandal, he can verbally drive me away, they say go away, and my daughter stays with me. If we start to swear, I hear rudeness and reproaches addressed to me. I don't understand why she deserved such an attitude. He is constantly dissatisfied with everything, very rarely something suits him. I am alarmed by the moment that he began to allow himself such phrases like "well, look, if she falls again you will get on the head / I will put this on your head, etc." When I make comments and ask you not to raise your tone and not insult me, I hear in response: "so you do it normally and I will talk normally."
Gulnara Khusnutdinova
One of the reasons for criticizing men is self-affirmation. It is very important for men to assert themselves, and if he has a lack of self-confidence, it is easier for him to assert himself at the expense of his wife. In this case, it is worth helping your husband in this, it is important to talk to him. Tell him as often as possible that he can do anything, that he is the best. On the other hand, one must believe in one's soul that this is so. Having conveyed his faith in her husband, he will lose the desire to assert himself at the expense of his wife. Another reason for criticism is to get rid of your negativity. If he's in trouble, you'll be the lightning rod. Try to calmly find out from your husband what happened to him, perhaps the situation will change. But if the reproaches continue, leave the husband alone, anyway, a calm conversation will not work, and mutual reproaches can only worsen the situation. If your husband has someone to compare you with, you need a serious conversation to clarify the situation, because it is very difficult to constantly hear criticism in response to love. You can ask your husband if he is offended by something, and thus draw attention to the problem. Of course, it is difficult to maintain self-control, being constantly under the gun of her husband's criticism, and it is even more difficult to restrain herself if you subconsciously expect her from your other half. It is necessary to find other, positive ways of communication so that life together brings pleasure. Good luck to you.
Vadim Pershin
Of course, it is difficult to maintain self-control, being constantly under the gun of her husband's criticism, and it is even more difficult to restrain herself if you subconsciously expect her from your other half.
Yes, you are right... It can be difficult for women to control themselves and not start a scandal = go out to fight... Definitely lose
Ekaterina86
Ekaterina86, hello! Please specify what kind of help you expect from a psychologist in your situation? What exactly do you want to solve?
Yes, I want to understand why people behave this way. This attitude offends me. I think that they don’t deserve such treatment, but most of all they worry about their daughter, she is 2 years old, she sees all this, and I don’t want it to be put off in her subconscious.
Thanks ha answer, very complete and thorough. I didn't even think about self-assertion. For some reason, thoughts come up all the time that he is comparing, but I try not to think about it and not wind myself up.
I would not say that he is not a self-confident person, on the contrary, he constantly claims that he knows everything better than me. He is quite successful in his career, he is one of the best in the team, he looks good (even handsome - not because my husband, in fact, is superbly built, handsome face, athlete) I see how women look at him. The only thing is that he is not tall, but not low either, 172 normal average height, but he considers himself small, although he doesn’t have a complex at all if I walk next to him in heels.
I also thought about the negative, but there can’t be a whole 2 g of negative, this what should happen outside the family for a person to become such a psycho ...
I also thought about comparing with another woman ... Of course, you can think up anything and suck it out of your finger, but there must be real evidence of this. And he is always home on time, weekends and holidays are always with us, I don’t fumble with him on the phone, but I don’t see suspicious calls either. The only thing that has confused me lately is that I accidentally saw a correspondence with my ex, but everything was pretty useless there, I told him and wrote to her. He laughed for a long time, saying that I was better and all that, and she somehow strangely began to tell how he and his daughter loves me and that she is his friend through her husband, although the last lie. Well, I didn’t bother, especially since she lives in another city. And I also noticed that he began to take off the ring, wears it on a chain, says he rubs his finger, recovered a little. Here in principle and all my doubts.
Ekaterina86, in order to understand the reasons for this behavior of her husband, it is important to understand how your relationship with him developed, when he suddenly had such an urge to control all your steps.
How many years have you been married? How long did you meet with your husband about this?
How did he behave with you during the period of courtship, before the birth of your daughter?
Why did he divorce his first wife?
How do you react to your husband's reproaches? What do you usually say to him and how do you behave?
Ekaterina86
We have been married for 2.5 years, we practically did not meet because we immediately found out that we were expecting a child, signed, got married, gave birth. All the time before the birth of his daughter, he practically carried me in his arms. As soon as his daughter was born, he became zealous towards her even in the maternity hospital, he did not let anyone in to even look at her, let alone take her in his arms. And then it started, nitpicking and grumbling without end, complete and total control. Sometimes his phrases simply put me into a stupor on the spot, for example: “So, did you go to the hospital with her?” (monthly weighings + vaccinations), yes, I say, I went. "Why? Why do you go there with her, do you want her to pick up an infection?
Why I got divorced I have no idea. They didn’t share something there, I know that it seemed like she was passionate about science and her career and didn’t want children, but he wanted to immediately, in general, something like that. It was a very long time before our meeting, I know that he does not communicate with her and says that he is not at all interested in knowing about her. The ex I wrote about is just a girl with whom he had a short relationship after his 1st marriage.
I react terribly painfully to reproaches for criticism from him in my address, I am offended so that my hands drop, I don’t want to do anything, I start to get nervous, worry and drive away bad thoughts. And I answer reproaches in different ways, I can flare up in response, I can go to the bath and burst into tears, but often, I demand justifications. I am also not a 20-year-old girl who does not know life, I have enough experience and dignity not to allow myself to be offended. It is very difficult for me to hear reproaches from a loved one, I have something to compare with and the comparison in this case is not in his favor, not a single man has ever behaved like this, I am used to a completely different attitude.
Ekaterina86, look at the situation: your husband really wanted a child and waited a long time for him. In his first marriage, his wife did not yield to him, did not give birth, and he broke off this relationship without regret. I just met you, you immediately became pregnant and he married you without hesitation. And for strength, he married the mother of his child. Nurtured and nurtured you while the baby was in your womb and her health and safety depended entirely on your health and safety. And as soon as the baby was born, he began to protect her from everyone. He even "saves" you from you - he tries to control your every step, he is nervous, if you would do something reckless that could somehow harm the baby.
Judging by this behavior of her husband, all his "criticism" is not directed at you, he does not have a goal to offend or humiliate you - do not be offended and do not become discouraged. This is just a manifestation of his overprotection of his child. The baby is "an overvalued idea" for him.
You need to be very affectionate and reassure your husband, and not "flare up and demand justifications." This only adds more anxiety to his feelings and he becomes aggressive - begins to threaten you. You should tell him how safe it was, what you did to protect the baby when you fed, when you walked. Praise him and tell him how smart and rare dad he is, so caring and knows so much. And you appreciate it so much and always, even when you swear, you still listen to his advice, take care of his daughter - after all, this is your baby, your common blood. Let his soul slowly calm down and he sees that you are trying, like him, to protect your daughter as much as possible. What can you do if he has a fad on this ground? It must be borne in mind that he, too, suffers from his fears.
Has there been any history of losing a child in your husband's past? Maybe in his parents' family? Or in some previous relationship? After all, everything you described, his actions are aimed at the birth and active protection, hypertrophied care for his child.
Do you know your husband's childhood story? His family? Did you talk to his mother about your husband's behavior? Maybe she will shed some light on why he has such high anxiety about children?
Ekaterina86
Thank you, I really didn’t think about it, but all the time I puzzle over what’s wrong with me ... but the matter turns out to be completely different.
I talked to my mother, and she herself was shocked by what he had become. He had a good childhood, he himself thinks so, loves his parents, appreciates his family. He really wants a big family, many children, and this is super important for him. I don’t know why he needs so much, but I don’t mind, it would be health, children are happiness.
I don’t know anything about the loss of a child, it seems that there was nothing like this in his life. The only thing I know about children is that there was a conflict with my ex-wife, and as I understand it, she was not categorically nastpoknna, it was just that at that time they didn’t match. But with the ex-girlfriend, just the opposite, she wanted a child, but he, on the contrary, after the divorce, was not yet ready for serious steps.
When I was pregnant, he shared his experiences and said that he was very worried because for the first time his loved one was expecting a child from him. But we had a very difficult moment during pregnancy, they made terrible predictions about the health of our baby, we lost a lot of nerves, the doctors almost forced us to give birth prematurely, they intimidated us with a terrible future ... All these endless consultations, ultrasounds, tests, professional conversations, consultations, we traveled to different cities and all with one voice strongly recommended that we get rid of the child. Then the birth itself ..., prepared resuscitation and all sorts of devices, again a sea of doctors ... But fortunately and in spite of everything, the girl was born absolutely healthy, no resuscitation, no oxygen, nothing was required, we were even discharged the next day ... Maybe that's why he's acting like this...? I didn’t even think about it, I forgot and let go of this nightmare ... And now how can I help him forget it? It really turned out to be a medical error.
Ekaterina86, yes, it’s very possible that your husband is still under the impression of “terrible diagnoses” and the last thing he wants is for his daughter to have to face the doctors and their council again, no matter for what reason - because of a cold or because of infections. Apparently, this frightened her husband very much and he is now "burnt with milk and blowing on the water," as they say.
"Now how can I help him forget it?"
Do not swear with him when he clarifies something about the safety and health of the baby, do not take it personally, but agree with him "Yes, dear, I also thought about it, I also paid attention to this" and then tell what you have taken to avoid danger. Consult with him "what do you think, what is it better for a baby to wear this weather now - this or that?", "do you think this kind of porridge is more useful or this one to take?". Let his energy find a way out in a peaceful way - not criticism, but advice. He will see that you are at one with him, that you have common concerns, that his anxiety finds a response in you, not resistance. He will feel that you listen to him and respect him (he is a successful and status person at work - ambitious, so it is probably important for him to be recognized as an authority at home).
And most importantly - appreciate what a caring father he is and how courageously he went through all the trials when you were pregnant. After all, many men would simply insist on an abortion, and someone would simply run away after hearing the diagnosis and estimating the amount of problems that await him. And he took care of you, was always with you, and now he is simply reaping the consequences of this difficult situation. They will pass with time, you just need to take care of your relationship.
The husband does not fight with you and does not humiliate you - in this way he seeks understanding and empathy for his fears. You will see how he will change when you stop taking his words personally and trying to sort things out. He is reliable, does not abandon the weak, took care of you and carried you in his arms. It's all in him still lives - you just need to stop defending yourself, calm him down with attention to his words and affection.
