The meaning of family life for me is. “To understand the meaning of family life, you need to live together for many years. Family as the meaning of life
Since we started with the meaning of human life, we will speak in the language of the Gospels, in the language of theology. The Lord Jesus Christ said: Seek first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness, and all this will be added to you (Matthew 6:33). Expresses the same idea in a slightly different way. He says that the purpose of human life is the acquisition of the grace of the Holy Spirit. In fact, the Kingdom of God is the Kingdom of the grace of the Holy Spirit, being in the grace of the Holy Spirit. The Kingdom of God is within you (Luke 17:21), says the Lord. When the grace of God abides in us, we are still in this earthly life in contact with the Kingdom of God. The Holy Fathers have the word “deification”, that is, union with God, when man is in God and God is in man, when man and God become one. This is the highest goal to which a person should strive.
The term "deification" is used here as ecclesiastical and theological, however, sometimes it can be said in a simpler, worldly way, perhaps not quite accurately, but more understandably. Save your soul - that means. Everything that I said above - the Kingdom of God and the acquisition of the grace of the Holy Spirit - is the same. After all, what is union with God, deification? You and I know the words of the Apostle John the Theologian: God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God (1 John 4:7). That is, deification is a state when love becomes dominant in a person. To the extent that a person learns to love, to the extent that he is fit for eternity. If it has not become the main content of the human heart, the main content of his soul, then there is nothing to do in eternity. Not because they won’t let him in there, but because he himself will have nothing to do there. For example, if a person with impaired vision has to wear black glasses because he cannot look at the sunlight, how will he feel in bright light? Also, probably, it will be completely impossible and painful for a person who is not able to love truly to be in the area of that light that exists. And since the main task of a person in this earthly life is to learn to love, then everything that can teach this love acquires value in this life. Indeed, every episode of human life, every situation, every event, every meeting is, on the one hand, a lesson for a person, and, on the other hand, at the same time, an exam. Because we are testing how much we have truly learned to love. I think that for a person who understands this, there is a certain danger. He may begin to think that he has already learned to love, but in fact he has not.
So, our best examiner in this area is family life. Because the farther a person is from us, the easier it is to show love to him. It is not difficult to make some effort and do deeds of love, to speak kind words, to be kind to that person with whom we meet from time to time. The closer one gets, the harder it gets. All the shortcomings of people especially close to us are highlighted before us. And it is much more difficult for us to endure and forgive them. But even if we see great shortcomings in a person who is at a distance from us, we still love him. After all, it is known that it is easier to love the distant than to love the near. Therefore, it is in the family that a person and love are subjected to the greatest trials. Sometimes in no one hatred is expressed so strongly as in people connected by marital ties. You can just wonder how you can say offensive words to each other, so hate each other.
In Herzen's novel "Who is to blame?" one of the heroes says that the most ferocious animal in its hole, in its lair, in relation to its cubs, is meek. Very often the most seemingly normal, respectable and good person just turns into a beast, becomes worse than any animal.
The ancient Greek poet Hesiod has these lines: “There is nothing better in the world than a good wife. And nothing is worse than a bad wife. But I want to make a reservation right away, to tell all the women that Hesiod spoke this way because he was a poet. A poetess would write that nothing is better than a good husband, and nothing is worse than a bad husband.
What I have been talking about so far is probably applicable to any family, both Orthodox and non-Orthodox. How does the Orthodox approach to the problems of family life differ from the non-Orthodox? Imagine that you had to live with such a wife or with such a husband, more terrible than which there is nothing in the world. What to do? ? Most of the time, people do this. This is very easy to do these days. If earlier this was associated with very great difficulties, even purely technical ones, now these problems have been reduced to a minimum and therefore it is enough for people to simply run away and forget that they were together, although, of course, it will not be possible to forget, but, nevertheless they no longer have any obligations towards each other. But in the Orthodox Church it is quite different. So you got married? Married. What is your wife? I quoted Herzen and Hesiod, and now I will quote the words from the Book of Wisdom of Jesus, the son of Sirach: “I will agree better to live with a lion and a dragon than live with an evil wife” (Sir. 25, 18). If this is what happened, then what?
The Lord Jesus Christ categorically forbade divorce, leaving the possibility of divorce only if adultery occurred on the part of one of the spouses. And not because this is a valid reason for a divorce, but because this divorce has actually already taken place. actually destroys the marriage. And it is quite difficult to demand from people that they preserve what is no longer there. If the wife is grumpy or the husband is an alcoholic, or a terrible despot, but at the same time does not change, then we must endure.
One of the big problems is that when people get married, in most cases it seems to them that they have loved each other forever, and they do not at all assume that after a while they may find something unpleasant in their “half”. And therefore, very often the bride, who seemed to her husband the most beautiful wife in the future, becomes that very bad wife, more terrible than which there is nothing in the world. How then to be?
The attitude to love in Christianity is completely different than in secular society. Everyone agrees that there must be love, but not everyone understands that we ourselves do not have a source of love. It sometimes seems naively to a person that it depends on him - to love or not to love. But after all, we know that love is a certain force that acts in a person regardless of his will and desire. An example is the case when the whole world is ready to shout to a person: whom do you love?! Some kind of nonentity, generally unworthy of the name of a person. And the mind and reason tell the lover that this is the way it is, but he cannot do anything with himself. I'm not talking about the opposite case, when there is no love in the heart, it's cold where, it would seem, everything speaks in favor of a person in all respects. Sometimes you need to talk about, that is, about some kind of attraction that should not be confused with love. But now I want to talk about love.
God is love. And if I don’t love someone, but at the same time I am connected with him by a sense of duty, and I don’t feel love, then this does not mean at all that it will not happen. The question is whether I want love to appear or not. This is the fundamental difference between the secular, worldly approach to marriage from the Orthodox. For a non-believer - if there is no love, then you need to run away, but for a believer - if not, then you need to ask.
You can give a historical example. The wives of the Decembrists went into exile with their husbands. Among them were women who passionately loved their husbands and simply saw no other way out for themselves. This is Trubetskaya, Muravyova ... But Volkonskaya found herself in a different situation. She was given in marriage as a young girl to a man who, by age, was suitable for her father. And she, as can be seen from her notes, in general, did not love him, did not love him with real love, which everyone assumes is necessary for marriage. But, nevertheless, when the question arose for her: to go or not to go, she went, as she herself writes, because there was a sense of duty, because she is his wife, they got married in the church. She tried to love and hoped that the appearance of a child would bring this love. Moreover, she simply did not have time to create love. They were together for a very short time, and she could not get to know her husband properly. There was an uprising ... We all watched on the screen and read in books how she arrived, fell to her knees, kissed his shackles. His suffering brought them closer.
The example is very clear and eloquent. Of course, he probably has some kind of exclusivity, because not everyone is exiled. Perhaps, indeed, in exceptional circumstances, one awakens in people that turns out to be the strongest, and it, as it were, entails the birth of love or the multiplication of love.
And in those cases when nothing extraordinary happens, when people just live and work, and at the same time a mutually unpleasant situation arises, what to do then? The Orthodox Church says that, after all, relations must be built. You must immediately decide for yourself: no matter what happens, there are no other options and there won’t be any more, it’s already forbidden to dream, since the Lord brought you together with this person. Remember that what God has united, let no man separate. So God, of course, can separate Himself if He sees that it is necessary. He will find a way to somehow change something in our lives. But a person's own efforts should be aimed at learning to love another with a new love. Not the one that was for an illusory person. After all, very often a person before marriage loves not the one who is in front of him, but the one whom he created for himself in his imagination, and the one who tried to appear that other, spouse or spouse.
And this other person needs to be loved, but this love does not exist and you need to ask the Lord for it. I remember one of my friends. He got married a few years ago. He is a believer, Orthodox. The wife is also a believer. Everything was as it should be. And there was love, and before signing and getting married, they even went to take.
And so the marriage took place. And then the nightmare began. It was just a tragic situation in the family. It was very hard. A year after the wedding, I asked him about life. He replied, “You better not ask. We don't get everything right. If I were an unbeliever, if I were non-Orthodox, then there would not even be any questions, they would disperse (he even laughed). With such ease they would have dispersed, but I understand that it is impossible.
Here is a true believer: "You can't." And what do you think? Now in the last few years they have a very good family. Everything was overcome, they managed to adapt to each other, new sources of love were opened. And now there can be no question of any divorce. Eat . And problems, of course, arise, like everyone else from time to time again and again. But, in general, they understand that they can no longer be without each other. Look here. After all, in fact, they were restrained only by the consciousness of Christian duty: if the Lord connected you with this person, then you are now responsible and you will not run away from him anywhere.
If only all people would have such an attitude towards marriage! If everyone treated marriage not as an experiment: if it works out - good, if it doesn't work out - let's run away! And so that when entering into marriage, remember the saying: "measure seven times, cut one." But if you cut off, that's it. And you know that no matter what happens, you will always live with this person. And the only thing you can do is get love back in you. This is, it seems to me, the only correct way in the family.
It may be objected to me that the people I cited as an example were true believers. God sends trials. And if they were weaker in faith, then perhaps they would not have survived ... Here again, we must remember that we are talking about the family in the context of the meaning of life. So the most important requirement of a person to himself should be the striving for perfection: Be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect (Matt. 5:48). I think that each of us should strive for this. You have to talk to many young people and ask them the question: “Is there a desire to achieve perfection?” In response, the young man or girl shrug their shoulders, they did not even think about it.
In general, this is a flaw in our upbringing. In noble families, in those cultural families that were before, the striving for excellence and indifference, the fear of living life and not achieving something big, not being able to develop a truly beautiful, beautiful personality was considered the norm. Nothing, probably, scared the young man, who was brought up in the spirit of the nobility, like the threat that you can live this life in gray and there will not be something bright, genuine in it. There was a fear of living like everyone else.
There are both positive and negative points in this approach. Of course, there is a danger here, vanity. On the other hand, understanding your calling is to make your life really beautiful. From a Christian standpoint, this means to glorify God with our lives... When we repeat “glory to God”, we praise God everywhere, then this is verbal praise to the Lord. And when in our life all the gifts that God has given us develop to the full extent, then this is the glory of God. It is the pursuit of perfection. And the family is a great school for self-improvement.
They write that a person almost never, with extremely rare exceptions, is not what he really is. A person plays some role all the time: one with friends, another at work, etc. I would not even say that this is hypocrisy, because a person also plays a role in front of himself. And what a person really is often not known not only by those around him, but the person himself is not fully aware of himself. Only God knows this. And I would add here that the wife and children. Because the family includes such a complex of circumstances under which it is impossible to play for a long time, the personality shows, in the end, a true face.
If you really want to know what you are really worth, then carefully, without getting irritated, listen to the words of your wife or children. They give you a true assessment, they really know what you are worth. Of course, it is very embarrassing. They say that there is no prophet in his own country and in his family. It's all like that. But only a proud person is offended by critical remarks: for everyone he is like a prophet, but not in the family. But if a person really strives for perfection, he just understands that the family will tell him what to work on, even if the family is unfair, because, of course, those who look at us are also not all right with their eyesight, seeing our shortcomings, they will not see our virtues. And I want to see the dignity, not only. I think that for a person who sincerely strives for excellence, the experience that he gets in the family is simply priceless.
In order to fully reveal the theme of the meaning of human life, one must remember that humanity in the form in which it exists is fallen, and our way of life is imperfect. Fall and damage are expressed in our disunity, to which the fall of our forefathers led. Because, ideally, a person should be in unity with all people and with the whole world, and not perceive himself as something self-sufficient. should be as a single organism, and including not only people, but all nature with the plant, animal world, and even the inanimate.
It turns out a wonderful antinomy: on the one hand, a person retains his unique personality, and on the other hand, he feels unity with everything that exists. And, perhaps, the tragedy of the world lies in the fact that people have ceased to perceive themselves as a single whole with each other, with all creation and with God. There are words in the Gospel that the Son of Man came to gather the disparate children of God together. And again, in His prayer the Lord speaks to the Father about His disciples and repeats these words: May they all be one, as You are the Father in Me and I in You (John 17:21). This is exactly where salvation lies - in unity, not in external, but really in such, when someone else's joy becomes your joy, someone else's pain becomes your pain. When you do not think of yourself as separate not only from your contemporaries, but also from the past and the future. When we all commune from one unity, then in this sacrament we are united with God and with each other in God.
Sometimes people forget about this unity, that it is a calling of a person. And the family is just the first step to such unity. Where the husband and wife are truly one flesh. After all, the ideal of love is when two people already become one. And just the family is that organism in which two personalities, who were originally strangers to each other, must become one with a single heart, common thoughts, in the image, while not losing their personal originality, but enriching and complementing each other. friend.
This harmonious whole is the most beautiful thing in the world. And when children are still included in the family, the flower blooms with new and new petals, and each of them makes the whole flower even more beautiful. And this makes all of humanity more beautiful when everything consists of such bouquets of flowers.
psychologist Marina Morozova
Many modern women see the meaning of their lives - in love, family, children, and therefore suffer deeply when, for some reason, they cannot create a family or lose it as a result of divorce or the death of their husband.
The loss of the meaning of life leads to depression, addictions, illnesses, we strive to fill the inner emptiness with something (food, clothes, entertainment, communication in social networks), someone devotes himself to children, someone to a career or the pursuit of money .
From time immemorial, mankind has been arguing about the meaning of life. Have you ever thought about the question: what is the meaning of life?
A client is sitting in front of me, let's call her Tatyana. She is divorcing her husband, she is 48 years old, she has been married for 28 years. Once she studied with her husband at the same university. And when they got married, her husband began to make a career, and Tatyana settled at home, became a housewife, raised two children. She dedicated her whole life to them, her children and her husband.
“I lived for them, I thought the family is my meaning of life. I deliberately gave up work, career for the sake of the family. It was important for me to feed everyone with a hearty breakfast in the morning, then a hearty lunch, a delicious dinner, it was important to help the children do their homework, take them to circles. The children have grown up and “flew away”, they have their own life, and I only interfere with them. And now, when the husband found another, everything collapsed. I was left with nothing.
No one appreciated my contribution, no one said “thank you”, on the contrary, from the children - only complaints, my husband betrayed. But he would not have been able to make a career without me. He wouldn't even have graduated from college without me. How many term papers I wrote for him, I made a diploma for him and for myself! How much she inspired, supported, helped in work, took care of the children and the house alone, he came to everything ready! And now, when he has achieved everything, has become successful, rich, another will take advantage of all this.
My life has completely lost its meaning. Why should I live? For what?"
Tatyana's story is not isolated, moreover, it is typical. When a beloved man (husband) and relationships with him become the meaning of life for us, when love, family, children become the meaning of life, we begin to sacrifice ourselves to them.
We “serve” them, dissolving in them, and thereby “dissolve ourselves”, lose ourselves, turn into Nothing. And then we lose interest in ourselves, and the man loses interest in us. We become uninteresting even to our children.
Moreover, by assigning such a task to other people - to be our meaning of life, we “load” them very much, “burden them down”, it really becomes very difficult for them. It is very difficult to live up to other people's expectations.
No one, not a single person - neither a beloved one, nor a husband (wife), nor a son, nor a daughter, nor a brother, nor a sister, nor a mother can be the meaning of our life.
Sacrificing ourselves to our children, to our husband, we live their life, not allowing them to live as they want. We "suffocate" them with our great love, which causes a strong protest, and destroys our relationship. And while we do not live our lives, our life passes by. This is how we destroy ourselves.
It seems to you that you are doing this for the benefit of children, husband, beloved. But it's not. You destroy them by living their life. You overprotect, overcontrol your children, you make decisions for them, impose your opinion on them, and deprive them of the main thing - the ability to think, make decisions, create, create, follow your desires and needs, grow and develop, realize your potential, your abilities, even make your mistakes.
In addition, a self-sacrificing mother is not the best role model. Your children can follow your example in adulthood.
Family, love, children can be important values, but not super values. Of course, our loved ones need our love, warmth, care, attention, but not over care, not overprotection.
And always, when we attach excessive importance to family and love, we either cannot receive them in life (we cannot meet love, create a family), or having received them, we lose them.
When we attach excessive importance to some person, deify, idealize him, put him on a pedestal, create an idol out of him, we also lose him. And there can be many situations in life how to lose. In any case, the deification of a person leads to a deterioration in relations with him.
And this is one of the reasons why many women cannot meet a loved one, create a family - for them this becomes the meaning of life.
To meet love, to create a family - this may be a desire, a goal, a task, but in no way is the meaning of life.
“Since childhood, I dreamed of getting married, having a family, children. It has always been so important to me. I couldn't and can't imagine my life without my family.
But I'm already 38, and I don't have a family and never had one. There is no one to create it with. Because of this, I am constantly in a state of anxiety, do not sleep at night, wake up in the middle of the night and cry, cry.
Life without a family does not seem like life to me. My life is empty and meaningless. Study, work, fitness, yoga, spas, travel - yes, it's all interesting, pleasant, but it's all empty, meaningless, what I fill the inner void with.
Nothing pleases me. Why do I live? For what? If I don’t have the main thing - a family, ”my other client argues like that.
Often it seems to us that all our problems are due to the fact that we do not have the most important thing for us. It seems to us that we will have a family - and here it is, happiness. Actually it is not. Since the state of happiness, the fullness of life with meaning does not depend on circumstances and loved ones.
Some people who have a family and children also suffer from a lack of meaning in life and inner emptiness, as they suffered from the same before they had a family.
Here is another confession of my client: “I used to feel bad, sad in my soul, because I did not have a beloved man, family, children. I suffered, worried and yearned, life seemed to me empty and meaningless.
Then I met Him, we fell in love, but I was worried that he did not want to marry me. Without a family, my life and our relationship seemed empty and meaningless to me.
Then we got married, but I was worried about the fact that he earns much less than me, and he constantly has problems at work. I was worried about the fact that I was forced to pull on my house, family, and also report to him about my expenses. Life has become even more empty and meaningless. I wanted a family so much, but when I got it, I realized that I was better off alone.
Then my husband began to earn more, and I began to worry about the fact that we do not have children. Without children, my life seemed empty to me.
Then a son appeared, and I began to worry also because of him. Groundhog Day has begun: one day is like another. Never before has life seemed so empty and meaningless to me as when I was on maternity leave.
Then I went to work, and the whirlwind began: work-home, work-home. And life again seems empty and meaningless to me. I remember how I lived alone, without a family, and it seems to me that then I lived a real, full life. My only problem was the problem of not having a family.”
As you can see, the circumstances of life mean little. The problem lies much deeper, in the soul of this woman.
When you devalue your current life because there is nothing important in it for you, you are actually betraying yourself and suffering because of it. When you place high hopes on your future family, on the other person from whom you expect him to make you happy, you are actually blocking the fulfillment of your desire. You think that when He (a) comes, He will make you happy.
But it's not.
No one can make you happy and fill your life with meaning. Only you can do it yourself. Fill your life with meaning, become happy, and people will be drawn to you, happy. Happy people are very attractive.
And the meaning of love and family relationships is not to get happiness, but to give it. How can you give something that doesn't exist?
Stop looking for happiness and the meaning of life on the side, outside of yourself! Your happiness is your inner state, which does not depend on life circumstances. And you can find it only within yourself.
Find joyful sides in your current life, find the meaning of your life, as it is now, in reality (and not in your imagination) and you will relieve the tension that prevents you from meeting your loved one and starting a family.
And the meaning of life, in fact, is to realize your abilities and talents to the fullest extent. And each person has his own, unique, special.
No one can tell you what is the meaning of your life. Only you yourself can find it, having understood what your purpose, mission is.
And this will help you return to yourself, live your life, follow your Path. And it will greatly relieve your husband (wife, beloved (s) and children, present and future. By shifting the emphasis, you can improve relations with loved ones, you will become interesting to yourself and others. Your life will acquire its true meaning, for which you were born. And you You will begin to live a full, interesting life, and it will be better for everyone - for you and your family.
How to define your purpose?
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The purpose of marriage is to bring joy. It is understood that married life is the happiest, fullest, purest, richest life. If, nevertheless, marriage does not become happiness and does not make life richer and fuller, then the fault is not in the marriage bonds themselves; guilt in the people who are connected by them. After the conclusion of marriage, the first and most important duties of the husband in relation to his wife, and of the wife - in relation to her husband. The two of them must live for each other, give their lives for each other. Everyone was imperfect before. Marriage is a union of two halves into a single whole. Two lives are bound together in such a close union that they are no longer two lives, but one. Each bears a sacred responsibility for the happiness and the highest good of the other until the end of his life.
The first lesson to be learned and practiced is patience. At the beginning of family life, both the virtues of character and disposition are revealed, as well as the shortcomings and peculiarities of habits, taste, temperament, which the other half did not suspect. Sometimes it seems that it is impossible to get used to each other, that there will be eternal and hopeless conflicts, but patience and love overcome everything, and two lives merge into one, more noble, strong, full, rich, and this life will continue in peace and quiet.
The duty of the family is selfless love. Everyone should forget his "I", devoting himself to another. Everyone should blame themselves, not the other, when something goes wrong. Endurance and patience are needed, but impatience can ruin everything. A harsh word can slow down the merging of souls for months. There must be a desire on both sides to make the marriage happy and to overcome everything that hinders it. The strongest love most needs to be strengthened daily. Most unforgivable is rudeness in our own home, towards those we love.
Another secret of happiness in family life is attention to each other. Husband and wife should constantly give each other signs of the most tender attention and love. The happiness of life is made up of individual minutes, of small, quickly forgotten pleasures from a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment and countless small but kind thoughts and sincere feelings. Love also needs its daily bread.
Another important element in family life is the unity of interests. None of the worries of a wife should seem too small, even to the gigantic intellect of the greatest of husbands. On the other hand, every wise and faithful wife will willingly take an interest in her husband's affairs. She will want to know about his every new project, plan, difficulty, doubt. She will want to know which of his undertakings have succeeded and which have not, and be aware of all his daily activities. Let both hearts share both joy and suffering. Let them share the burden of worries. Let everything in life be common to them. They should go to church together, pray side by side, together bring to the feet of God the burden of cares for their children and everything dear to them. Why don't they talk to each other about their temptations, doubts, secret desires and help each other with sympathy, words of encouragement. So they will live one life, not two. Everyone in their plans and hopes must definitely think about something else. There shouldn't be any secrets from each other. They should have only common friends. Thus, two lives will merge into one life, they will share thoughts, and desires, and feelings, and joy, and sorrow, and pleasure, and pain of each other.
Fear the slightest beginning of misunderstanding or alienation. Instead of holding back, a foolish, careless word is uttered - and now a small crack has appeared between the two hearts that had previously been one, it expands and expands until they are forever torn from each other. Did you say something in a hurry? Ask for forgiveness immediately. Do you have any misunderstanding? No matter whose fault it is, don't let him stay between you for an hour. Refrain from quarreling. Do not go to bed with anger in your soul. There should be no place for pride in family life. You never need to amuse your sense of offended pride and scrupulously calculate who exactly should ask for forgiveness. Those who truly love do not engage in such casuistry, they are always ready to both give in and apologize.
Every member of the family should take part in the organization of the house, and the fullest family happiness can be achieved when everyone honestly performs their duties.
There is something sacred and almost awe-inspiring in the fact that a wife, entering into marriage, focuses all her interests on the one whom she takes as her husband. She leaves her childhood home, her mother and father, she breaks all the threads that bind her to her past life. She leaves those entertainments to which she used to be accustomed. She looks into the face of the one who asked her to become his wife, and with a trembling heart, but also with calm trust, she hands him her life. And the husband is happy to feel this trust. This constitutes the happiness of the human heart for life, capable of both inexpressible joy and immeasurable suffering. A wife in the full sense of the word gives everything to her husband. It is a solemn moment for any man to take responsibility for the young, fragile, tender life that has trusted him, and cherish it, protect it, protect it, until death snatches his treasure from his hands or strikes him himself.
Love requires special delicacy. You can be sincere and devoted, and yet in speech and action there may not be enough of that tenderness that wins hearts so much. Here's a piece of advice: don't show bad mood and offended feelings, don't speak angrily, don't act badly. No woman in the world will be more worried about harsh or thoughtless words that have flown from your lips than your own wife. And most of all in the world be afraid to upset her. Love does not give you the right to be rude to the one you love. The closer the relationship, the more painful for the heart from a look, tone, gesture or word that speaks of irritability or is simply thoughtless.
Every wife should know that when she is at a loss or in difficulty, in her husband's love she will always find a safe and quiet home. She should know that he will understand her, treat her very delicately, use force to protect her. She should never doubt that in all her difficulties he will sympathize with her. It is necessary that she never be afraid to meet coldness or reproach when she comes to him to seek protection. If you honor your spouse, then the other is exalted; if not, then the other is humiliated.
Love is stronger than distance
50 years of a happy life together is not something everyone can do. But Galina Nikolaevna and Vladimir Rostislavovich Goloborodko know firsthand how to navigate a family boat through the stormy ocean of life without breaking it on the reefs of everyday problems and conflicts. They lived together for five decades - and they themselves did not notice how the years flew by.
We live together, it's good, - Galina Nikolaevna smiles. - They raised two children, four grandchildren. And the secret of family well-being is mutual understanding and forgiveness, respect and desire to please each other.
Galina Nikolaevna and Vladimir Rostislavovich met at school - they studied together, lived nearby, and then love replaced friendship. Studying at the institute became a test of the strength of the feelings of young people - he went to study in Kuibyshev, she went to Ufa. But love turned out to be stronger than distance, and Galina and Vladimir realized that they could not live without each other.
When everything is good at home, then the work goes well - the Goloborodko spouses know this firsthand. Vladimir Rostislavovich worked all his life on the Kuibyshev railway, has many awards. And Galina Nikolaevna devoted 46 years to work at the Kuibyshev oil refinery, more than 20 of them heading the factory trade union committee, helping colleagues to solve many industrial and family issues.
Families were always supported at the plant,” she recalls. - And now this tradition is only developing. Serious material support is provided for the employees of the plant upon marriage, at the birth of children, family recreation and rehabilitation are organized, and many other family holidays are held.
"Family is for life"
Alexander and Tatyana Cheremshantsev were introduced by mutual friends. Young people liked each other at first sight. A casual acquaintance grew into great love, but unlike fairy tales, where everything ends with a wedding, in life everything continued with a happy marriage. For 25 years, Alexander and Tatyana have been giving each other tenderness, support and warmth. Mutual understanding is also promoted by joint work - both spouses work at the Kuibyshev oil refinery: Alexander is a machinist of the compressor unit 24/36 of workshop No. 4, Tatyana is an operator of the commercial reagent facilities of workshop No. 14.
Joint work, common interests unite the family, the spouses believe. - We work in different shifts, in different workshops, but at home we discuss both working moments and factory affairs.
But the main secret of family well-being, the Cheremshantsevs are sure, is love and wisdom.
Feelings are very important, but you also need to be able to find compromises, make concessions, says Tatyana. - It is also important to understand that marriage is for life. After all, to truly understand the meaning of family life, you need to live together for many years. We try to teach our sons the same thing: a family is a very responsible thing!
"Reliable rear - an opportunity for development"
At the solemn ceremony in the registry office of the Kuibyshev region, the “newlyweds” were also congratulated by the Deputy General Director - Director for Economics and Finance of JSC Kuibyshev Refinery, member of the Public Council of the Kuibyshev region Konstantin Kudryashov. He presented the couple with a useful gift - certificates for household appliances.
Dates such as 50 and 25 years of marriage are an indicator that you are really lucky in life to find your soul mate, - said Konstantin Yuryevich. - We at the plant always pay great attention to our employees, because each of its 2500 employees is the potential, hope and strength of the enterprise! I am convinced that a strong family, a reliable rear, the absence of domestic troubles are very important components of successful work, so that a person can realize himself in the profession, grow and develop.
More recently, I talked about the crises of family life, trying to answer the question "Is it worth saving the family?"But the previous article would not be complete without talking about the goals of family life, i.e. globally - about its meaning. Why do we need a family at all? The tactics of behavior in a crisis family situation, understanding where to go next and what to do in your family life will depend on the answer.
The question of the meaning of family life can seem both simple and perplexing. When creating a family, officially getting married, we do not always think about why we are taking this step, and we do not discuss it with our other half. But even those who, at the beginning of their family life, clearly indicated where the family ship was heading, may eventually face the fact that the course has changed, the priorities are different, and now it is not at all clear where we are going together. Nevertheless, understanding the common family goal, the meaning of living together is very important. Precisely for the very existence of the family to be logical. Agree that doing meaningless business is a heavy and tedious duty. We do not like routine work that does not bring us emotional returns and is devoid of meaning for us. We refuse to read a book in a language unfamiliar to us, to join the community of amateur flower growers, when any plant growing is alien to us. The same is true in family life - it becomes burdensome, unclear if its meaning is lost (or until now not realized / not found).
What is the meaning of family life? In each married couple, the answer will be different, because there are no two absolutely identical families. But there are some general tendencies according to which several types of family relations can be distinguished. Depending on what type of family relations prevails in a couple, one can talk about the features of this family, about its strengths and the difficulties that the family may face. And also about how to overcome these difficulties.
In family psychology, there are several basic functions of the family that correspond to the goals of family life.
The main idea that I want to emphasize is that for a harmonious, happy, long family life, compatibility at all the levels described is important. That is, it is necessary to develop relationships across all functions. At the same time, communication at the level of higher values automatically gives spouses compatibility on the rest.
So, what could be the main motives for creating a family and maintaining family relationships?
- The very first motive satisfaction of sexual desire. Usually a couple with a connection at this level meets at a disco, in a bar, in some place of mass youth entertainment, in restaurants, rest houses, etc. For both partners, the external attractiveness and brightness of sexual relations will be the predominant factor. Most often, relationships built on the basis of sexual attraction are short-lived and unstable, civil marriages are typical, unwillingness to take responsibility. As soon as the partner has ceased to meet expectations, he is immediately replaced by another. If, nevertheless, the couple managed to start a family, then usually she has to overcome many difficulties and disagreements, since a person’s life is not limited only to the intimate side, it is wider and richer, but the spouses are not ready for it, replacing all other aspects of life with sexuality.
Strengths of the family:
realism, practicality, self-confidence of partners.
Possible difficulties:
The main one is dissatisfaction with sexual relations in a couple, because of which there are quarrels, scandals, betrayals, jealousy. the best), and all together leads to dissatisfaction with what is, lack of a sense of stability, devotion, trust.
What to do? In this case, the answer for the spouses themselves is quite obvious and most often the decision is made to divorce and search for a new partner that meets expectations. If, nevertheless, there is a desire to save the family, then it is necessary to change your ideas about family happiness. At this level of relationship, there is a huge scope for growth and self-awareness, so you can choose any of the points written above and just start changing in this direction. For example, try not to be interested in strangers men (women), maintain close relationships only with your husband / wife.
2. Achievement of material wealth, when a man and a woman see the prospect of their family acquiring all kinds of material assets (an apartment, a car, a summer house, jewelry, expensive things and pears for children, expensive food, etc.). All the forces of the family go to this. A happy family seems when it has "everything". The main problem with this approach is the inability to stop in their desires. When you have two cars, you want a third. A fifth fur coat and a bigger country house.
Strengths of the family:
practicality and realism, the ability to solve everyday issues well, manage values.
Possible difficulties:
The main difficulty of such a family is the lack of sincerity and real warmth, replacing them with gifts, “tokens of attention”. In addition, greed and a desire to buy / acquire more are characteristic. Often in a family, spouses may feel a lack of attention towards each other and children, who are very sensitive to this and can react with whims, “uncontrollability”, all kinds of fears, and wayward behavior in adolescence.
It is for a family with material values that the painful question is usually very relevant: “What to do with the accumulated?” Thinking about who and how to give the inheritance (or maybe to no one at all?) Can occupy all the time and mental strength of the head of the family.
What to do? If the question of divorce arises in such a family, then it is often accompanied by fears regarding common (or only one's) property. If you want to save a family, then do it not for the sake of accumulating even greater benefits or preserving existing ones, but from the bottom of your heart, because you want to be together. I understand that these words may seem empty, but otherwise there is no point in preserving the family - sooner or later you will have to part with the money (you won’t be able to take it with you to another life), but what will you have left at this moment?
3. Another family value can be social status, prestige, position in society. Even in our freedom-loving time, few will argue that the status of a married man (and even more so a married woman) is more preferable than a single person. So far, on an unconscious level, we have a more respectful and serious attitude towards married couples than to those in “open relationships”. Most often, neither we ourselves nor those around us are aware of this, but if you observe yourself and your loved ones, you will notice that this is so. I won’t remind you of the older generation, which, with horror and trembling in their voice, asks their beloved granddaughter about when will she officially become Petya’s wife? Therefore, simply having a stamp in your passport and a ring on your finger can be a very definite goal of family life. “I’m not alone, I’m married”, “I can’t promise you anything, I’m married” are excellent settings.
A similar goal is to achieve a certain position in society thanks to a successful party or the joint efforts of the spouses. Agree, this also happens - marriages of convenience, or active career building by both spouses, prestigious education for children. The family in this case dreams of seeing itself influential and authoritative in society, the main thing for it is social stability and success.
Strengths of the family:
support each other in all endeavors, the desire to give the best to their children,
Possible difficulties:
Often such families are accompanied by a feeling of loneliness: you seem to be surrounded by relatives, but they are just like that, but in fact there is no genuine relationship between them. Family members are characterized by assertiveness and confidence in their exceptional rightness, which often complicate both the relationship of the spouses themselves and their children, pressure on children, authoritarianism, extreme employment, lack of free time for the family, communication, warmth, good emotions prevail. In addition, a certain social status imposes some obligations that regulate the life of the family, which may not suit one of the spouses, but most often the children. Just as often, these families are accompanied by the fear of losing their position, not to mention the fact that not everyone manages to achieve what they want, which in turn causes apathy, confusion, loss of meaning in life in general and at the same time family life.
What to do? In a situation where the goal of family life is simply the acquisition of a certain status, maintaining a relationship is not easy. What could be worse than feeling lonely among the household? The main thing that can and should be done in this situation is to develop relationships with loved ones, and not according to a formal principle, but in a real way: to be interested in their life outside of their position in society. Find out what your other half and children are fond of (forget about their success at school for a while), arrange good movies together and delicious family dinners. It can be difficult, at first seem strange and ridiculous and not be accepted by loved ones. But you have to start somewhere! Slowly, the relationship will thaw and reach a new level!
4. Support for each other, moral values - when a family is created in order to support each other, to promote the development of one's spouse. The family is based on moral values, humanistic ideals, it will be important for a husband and wife to maintain each other's interests, to create a circle of like-minded people. they like to do something together, often they even get to know each other on the basis of a common hobby and a shared outlook on life, for example, on a mountain hike or in yoga classes, in a sports club, in a theater studio.
Strengths of the family:
support for each other, trust, similar outlooks on life, common hobbies, obligations to each other and the desire to fulfill them.
Possible difficulties:
It would seem, what difficulties can arise in a family where two people respect each other, support, care? In such a family, high expectations from the spouse are possible, which can lead to disappointment after some time of marriage. Someone in the family may change their views and values, and this will put the spouses on different sides. It is also possible to be jealous of the hobby of the second half, to his circle of friends, work. The birth of children can also bring certain trials, since you will have to rebuild your lifestyle, change your views in some way.
But, perhaps, the main test in such a family is a reassessment of values - when both spouses understand that their former views on life have changed, but there are no new ones yet. There is a search in the system of values, there is a difficult work on self-awareness. At this moment, it is difficult for everyone to understand themselves and maintain relationships that, along with the loss of a landmark, lose their meaning and significance.
What to do? Be mobile and ready for change. Do not make hasty decisions and give your other half time to develop. At the same time, change yourself. Be tolerant, remember how your relationship began, what feelings and emotions did you experience? Try to revive these feelings in yourself, immerse yourself in memories of warm moments together and wait for some time, being reinforced by them. Your other half - here it is, the same as then. Something has changed, but the person you loved is here with you, he just needs time to find himself. Yes, and you need time for the same.
5. Birth and upbringing of children. Some people marry for the purpose of having and raising children. Moreover, it is not so important whether a couple wants one or two children or dreams of becoming a large family, they have one goal - to devote themselves to children. Parents look tenderly at the children of other families, actively prepare themselves to become parents (all kinds of courses, books, medical examinations, a healthy lifestyle), create all possible conditions for the growth and development of their children (circles, classes, sections, travel, a lot of communication, experience various education systems, etc.). In such a family, they rejoice at every achievement of the child, support all his undertakings. When children grow up and create their own families, support and care continues for the young couple, for their grandchildren.
Strengths of the family:
sincere love for your children and often for your spouse. Sacrifice, a tendency to take care of others, to give in, attentiveness to what is happening, warmth of the heart, openness, kindness.
Possible difficulties:
The main one is excesses in education and overprotection. Loving your child and taking care of him, it is important to teach him independence, sober thinking. Also, a frequent companion of such families is an inadequate assessment of their children. In families where children are the main value, age-related crises of children, their inconsistency with the expectations of parents and other relatives are very hard to endure, children grow up with the feeling that they constantly owe something to their parents, which hinders their own personal growth.
The inability of parents to be husband and wife to each other can become a great difficulty - they have always been in the roles of parents, but when they are left alone with each other, they can suddenly realize that they are strangers.
A serious test can be the inability to give birth to their children. Then the couple enters the circle of endless ordeals in hospitals, unfulfilled hopes.
What to do? The main thing is not to forget that in addition to the parental role, you also have a marital role. Dedicate time not only to children and taking care of them, but also to your husband (wife), take an interest in his life, arrange joint weekends, vacations, even just short walks and evening gatherings together, leaving care of children for some time.
In relations with children, try to observe the measure and harmony. Give them enough freedom, study their real characteristics. And most importantly - do not be afraid! No matter how strange it may sound, the goal of the family is not only and not so much in the birth and upbringing of children. Look for what the mission of your family is, how you and your spouse can be realized thanks to each other.
6. Service to God. A family that initially (or over time) realizes that, in general, any of the goals of family life is not eternal and can lead to disappointment, makes a conscious decision to devote themselves to God. These words may sound somehow loud and pathetic, but in fact it is a very simple understanding that all the previous values that we have considered are temporary, they are relevant only in this material life. Even having fully realized as parents, having achieved material and social benefits, trust in each other and mutual understanding, we do not see what we will take with us further, into eternal life. Of course, this is true for those who believe that we are not just bodies, but immortal souls.
A family that trusts itself to God and chooses the meaning of its life to serve him, tries to live in accordance with its faith. When the main thing in a family is a relationship with God, then all other issues are resolved more easily and do not have dramatic power, because they are just trials on the way to building a strong family, glorifying God with their lives.
Strengths of the family:
Faith in God
Possible difficulties:
I would like to think that in such families there are no difficulties and reasons for divorce, however, partings happen even among spiritual people. What is their reason? Perhaps in exaggerated expectations from the spouse, in the substitution of a true understanding of the family, pride in oneself and one's achievements and other issues that are most often associated with what is called passions in Orthodoxy: pride, faith in the mind, anger, hatred and a lot others.
What to do? Realize that none of us are perfect. Lead a spiritual life in your tradition, seek advice from a mentor. And most importantly, trust God and ask Him for love.
Look and analyze what is the meaning of your family life now? And how would you like to see it in the future? In accordance with this, you can outline for yourself what exactly you can change right now in order to get closer to your family ideal.
All the advice I give here is general and just to give you an idea of what you can do in your particular situation. At first, it may seem that changing the situation is unrealistic, and there is nothing to change. But believe me if you sincerely want to change the relationship in your family, save it, then this is possible . You need to start with small steps, gradually changing yourself and your attitude towards loved ones, and over time they will answer you the same! Just do not expect lightning-fast results: in our fast-paced age, it is impossible to imagine that any process would require a long time. However the sphere of family relations does not tolerate haste, just as your relationship was not complicated for an hour or even one year, they will be restored gradually. Take your time and do everything with love, then everything will certainly work out!
