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How to learn to stand up for yourself. "Work after work". Wordless aggressive derogatory behavior

Know how to stand up for yourself. Key to self-assertive behavior

Introductory commentary on the book by Alberti R.E., Emmons M.L. "Know how to stand up for yourself" *

I would like to present to your attention a truly wonderful book that has gone through many editions abroad - and has been published twice in Russia. This is a classic of self-confidence training, the book that has become the basis for most of the confidence training programs in the world.

An attentive reader, of course, will notice some discrepancy between the examples given in the book of our, Russian reality. I tried to smooth out these rough edges as much as possible. Further, I took some liberties in reproducing the text published by the Moscow Triangle publishing house. Since I had the English original of the book and the German authorized translation at hand, I made minor adjustments in some places. All of them are based on the following fundamental considerations.

The translator and editor translated the English term "assertiveness" as self-assertion. Such a translation violates the logic of the presentation of the material, since the authors consistently breed three different forms of behavior in situations that require it: confident, aggressive and insecure. The first two ways of behavior, in fact, are different forms of self-affirmation. Uncertainty can be seen as a way of giving up self-assertion.

Based on this and the context of the presentation, in some places I replaced the word "self-affirming" (by the way, absent in all its forms in the orthographic dictionary of the Russian language) with "confident". Further, I skipped some fragments that are not very important for the presentation of the material, and commented on some fragments that are important for the topic being presented.

Human rights and individual opportunities

The authors of this book know that people living in today's crowded, noisy, polluted, and crime-insecure cities and towns dominated by giant industrial companies, labor unions, and political organizations are subject to feelings of confusion, helplessness, and self-worthlessness.

The “average”, ordinary citizen of modern society feels controlled and exploited by those or those who find it profitable for themselves; this ordinary citizen feels himself to be something like a means of consumption.

We, the authors of this book, do not agree with this position. We are convinced that the individual is worth more. Based on this, we set the goal of our book to help people overcome feelings of their own insignificance, helplessness and confusion, feelings so characteristic of a person in the modern cycle of life. We do not place the blame for this on the present conditions of life in industrial society, but we are clearly aware that in modern conditions it is very important not to forget, but, on the contrary, to confirm and in every possible way affirm the individual value of each of us.

I would like to emphasize in this regard that we do not mean any political, economic or social structural changes. In this case, we are interested in the possibilities of the individual in the everyday real conditions of modern life: at home, at work, at school, in shops, restaurants, clubs, then the network is everywhere where a person encounters circumstances that give rise to feelings of insignificance, grief, irritation and anxiety. .

We are concerned about the growing modern society a trend in judging people on a "scale", meaning, for example, that

• winners are better than losers;
• generals are better than soldiers;
• doctors are better than nurses;

Modern social structure contributes to the strengthening of such myths, as if turning into people of the "second class" those who, by their position, position, etc., are at the lowest rung of the hierarchical ladder.

Without any reservations, we reaffirm the position of equal rights for all people, regardless of their social or family status, as well as positions and titles. Our goal is to help people achieve their inalienable rights without violating the rights of others.

Who is this book written for?

This book is for everyone who wants to improve their personal well-being on their own, as well as for those who, by virtue of their educational and official position in society, work with people and are called upon to promote and contribute to their personal development and growth.

Teachers, coaches, counselors, and community workers in schools and universities find this book helpful. Professionals—physicians, psychiatrists, and family counselors—find the cultivation of confident behavior valuable in their practice. Personnel departments in large industrial and government agencies are successfully using the ideas and techniques presented in this book.

This book has a practical purpose - to introduce the reader to the principles of confident behavior, to encourage the reader to appreciate the benefits of such behavior in his life experience and, therefore, to encourage the reader to apply these principles in practical life situations, in public and private.

Are you the owner of your life?

Are you able to effectively and profitably manage life situations in which you are involved?

Jenny and Paul have been married for three years. Since they both work, they agreed that household duties would be shared equally. For the past few weeks, Jenny has had to do almost all the housework herself, and therefore she feels resentment and resentment towards her husband. Paul doesn't seem to notice.

Ronald recently lost his job. Although he is a diligent and conscientious worker, at times he loses control of his emotions and "flares up" for seemingly no apparent reason. Today, his boss asked him to stay for a few hours to finish the necessary work overtime, and Ronald could not contain the violent outburst of anger.

Mary, on the other hand, cannot get along with any of her secretaries. The clients of Mary's advertising firm really appreciate her work. Colleagues, however, have a different opinion about her. Her style in dealing with subordinates - the style of "autocratic tyrant" - turns out to be the reason for frequent dismissals of employees. Jenny, Ronald and Mary have one problem in common. Each of them must learn to act reasonably in life situations that arise in their relations with others.

Can Jenny protect her interests in her relationship with her husband without quarreling, without allowing feelings of resentment and anger to accumulate, and without humiliating her husband? Can Ronald express his feelings in a form that is harmless to himself, that is, directly when feelings of irritation appear, preventing these feelings from accumulating, instead of accumulating anger and resentment in himself, flare up (and lose his job)? As for Mary, is it possible to find a form of relationship with her subordinates within the framework of mutual respect, that is, can she maintain her leadership role without humiliating her subordinates? What alternatives are possible for the three characters given as an example?

Jenny will continue to do all her homework herself, holding back her feelings of resentment and anger until she develops headaches or other symptoms of physical distress, as well as a sense of her own insignificance and helplessness. Making weak hints to her husband, she is sure that he should know how she feels. Soon, feelings of anger and resentment, accumulated, manifest themselves in the fact that, while cleaning the apartment, she angrily slams doors, throws chairs away with nervous movements, “sulks”, does not talk to her husband and complains of back pain.

We consider this behavior insecure. Jenny is left in a humiliating position, and does not act in her own interests, and not in the most honest way. Ronald's "outbursts" after his "internal suffering" are also the result of insecure behavior.

Finally, Mary with her open hostility to others. Her secretaries hear her angry voice several times a day: "Joanna," she cries, "the devil knows what's the matter with you! You will never print a single letter properly." subordinates and carry out their orders.

We characterize such a course of action, such an attitude towards others as aggressive. Although Mary thus achieves her orders, her subordinates suffer from such treatment of them and, as a result, have no respect for her.

We hope, reader, that you do not have a self-deprecating or aggressive style in dealing with others. There is a third way: an effective, confident and self-affirming response to these kinds of situations. This third path is our preferred one, and our book is designed to teach the reader how to act in an effective and self-affirming way in the stressful and conflicting situations of life.

In the Jenny example, she should have discussed the situation with her husband at the right time, starting the conversation something like this: “Paul, I must admit that I am very upset by the amount of household chores that falls on me daily, and I wanted to to talk to you about it." Perhaps Paul's immediate response will be: "Hm... Hm?". Jenny continues confidently, "You don't meet our terms. We agreed that we would share housekeeping duties. Maybe we should hire someone to clean the house?".

Paul replies with interest, "I didn't know you were so upset. I would hire a housekeeper, but we can't afford that at the moment." "That's right," replies Jenny. "So please, either we share the household chores as agreed, or let's find some solution, because I'm not able to continue to do all the household chores alone, and I don't think I have to ". Paul asks earnestly, "How can I help?"

Similarly, Ronald should learn to react directly to the facts that irritate him, and react at the time when they take place, that is, without allowing feelings of resentment and anger to accumulate, which, in turn, leads to "flashes" that, in all likelihood irreparably damage his relationship with his boss and could cost him his job.

As for Mary, her subordinates would work even better and treat her with more respect if she made comments to them in a businesslike and respectful tone. Everyone makes mistakes, but no one likes humiliating treatment. A remark made in a firm and polite tone, such as "Jane, you prepared this contract incorrectly, this work should be redone," will make Jane understand everything that Mary means without attacking and humiliating Jane.

When a person develops enough skills to act confidently, he can choose (and, therefore, choose correctly), that is, he has a choice of reactions that are satisfactory for him in various life situations. And the one who is more "self-expressive" and direct in his reaction to annoying, conflicting life situations experiences a much less stressful state, and a much greater sense of self-worth and satisfaction.

We strongly affirm that feelings of self-worth and self-satisfaction, as well as a style of behavior that we call self-affirming, are not only highly desirable, but necessary to develop for everyone. Self-deprecating behavior, as well as behavior that degrades others, is harmful both to for yourself and for those around you.

Let's analyze the differences in human behavior. If you tend to hesitate, speak quietly, stammeringly, look away, agree with the interlocutor even when you really do not share his views, if you value yourself "below" those around you and suffer yourself so as not to inadvertently upset others, your demeanor - unsure.

If you speak loudly, interrupt interlocutors, use offensive or insulting words or gestures, throw angry glances, speak out (accusing, indignant, demanding) when the reason for this has already passed, go on a rampage, trying to express your feelings and opinions, "put yourself higher" others and try to humiliate or humiliate others, your demeanor is aggressive.

If you react to certain situations directly at the moment when they arise, answer the interlocutor immediately, in a calm conversational tone and "to the point", openly express your opinions and feelings (anger, love, disagreement, grief, etc.) , value and respect yourself to the same extent as those around you, and without humiliating yourself, do not humiliate or try to humiliate others, we call this behavior confident.

We hope that you will be able to choose for yourself a manner of behavior and will not allow yourself to be manipulated by either circumstances or the people around you.

You can say: "It's all good for those who can stand up for themselves, but I can't, I never know what to do, what to say in such situations." Imagine, you are not alone in your opinion. A recent study showed that 80 out of 100 people agree to an unreasonable demand without objection! For example, only one in five people refused to empty their pockets or open their bag when a stranger asked if they had inadvertently taken a ring he had left in a phone booth, in the same ratio people reacted when the transistor was turned on full blast by one of the members. groups during written exams.

Many (most?!) people allow others to humiliate themselves in this way.

It shouldn't be! We have seen that almost everyone can learn to fend for themselves properly. By acting in a conflict situation as soon as it arises, you do not allow feelings of anger, guilt and irritation to accumulate to the point of "explosion", as we saw in the example with Ronald.

How do you feel about yourself?

If you are satisfied with yourself, if you value yourself as a person, if you have what psychologists call "positive self-perception" - you are active in life and enjoy life, the company of people around you, new places and things, "savoring" every hour, act spontaneously, trust your judgment and adapt well in society.

Unfortunately, too many of us not only perceive ourselves as “lower” to those around us, but also act in accordance with this perception: they are afraid to trust their judgments and their feelings. If a person acts in accordance with his own interests, knows how to stand up for himself, expressing his feelings with calm dignity, protecting his rights, without violating the rights of other people at the same time, then we call this behavior confident.

On the contrary, a person who is prone to self-deprecating behavior will hesitate to answer at all, or will look for a suitable answer after the occasion has passed.

The other extreme is an aggressive demeanor. An aggressive person tends to react to circumstances that irritate him with excessive energy and unrestraint, making a sharply negative impression on those around him and subsequently regretting it. [...]

Very often, people, defending their interests, act aggressively, mixing the concepts of aggressive and confident behavior. The difference in these modes of behavior lies in the fact that, acting confidently, a person does not offend or suppress others, respecting the rights of other people to the same extent as his own.

Research in this area has convincingly proven that people who can properly stand up for themselves are much less prone to stressful conditions in difficult life situations, and also experience feelings of self-satisfaction and a sense of their own value and significance to a greater extent.

People who act in an aggressive manner actually experience feelings of guilt, inferiority, and self-doubt, and their aggressive behavior is trying to mask these feelings.

Confident, insecure and aggressive behavior

Jeanette, 23, is an attractive young woman with a successful career in a large industrial firm. A hard-working and energetic administrator in the service, she often finds it difficult to say "no" in some life situations. Fred, whom she has known for several months at work, asked many times to see her. Once she agreed to meet with him and was disappointed: she found him an uninteresting interlocutor, and also sexually aggressive. Since then, she has exhausted her stock of invented circumstances, in view of which she, allegedly, cannot meet with him. Each time, a new circumstance for the repeated refusal “I have to get my hair done”, “I already have a date for this time”, “I have to finish the service report”, and so on. Fred has just asked Jeannette to meet again. Jeannette could answer like this:

• (1) Um... ah... I promised to meet my friends tonight... it's very important... um....
• (2) Tell me, when will you finally understand that I don't want to meet you? Leave me alone! I'll let you know if I want to meet you, but don't count on it too much.
• (3) I don't want you to feel offended, but I think it's better to tell you honestly that I don't want to see you.

Let's analyze these answers: Answer (1): Jeannette is embarrassed by answering insincerely and is not being completely honest with Fred, depriving him of the opportunity to find out the truth and draw useful conclusions for himself in the circumstances.

Response (2): An aggressive response humiliates and insults Fred.

Answer (3): Jeannette expresses her feelings honestly, avoiding expressions that are degrading to Fred, as well as ridding herself of feelings of embarrassment.

It must be admitted that our way of life cultivates sometimes conflicting norms of behaviour. Examples of the discrepancy between "recommended" and "encouraged" behavior are as follows.

While it is generally accepted that the rights of the other should be respected, we often see parents, teachers, and the church acting contrary to this principle.

Tact, courtesy, good manners, modesty and selflessness are usually praiseworthy, while at the same time, in order to "succeed", aggressiveness and arrogance towards others are allowed and encouraged.

Although it is rarely openly acknowledged, competitive athletes know that what is valued is not so much excellent conduct during an athlete's competition as victory in those competitions. (Whoever doubts this, we invite you to compare the awards of coaches of winning teams and coaches who “build up character.”)

We believe that everyone should be able to choose for themselves how to act in conflict situations.

If your habit of acting with restrained politeness is too developed, you may not be able to act as you would like.

If you develop the habit of reacting aggressively, you will not be able to achieve your goals without humiliating or insulting others.

This freedom of choice and self-control will become possible when you learn to behave confidently in situations in which you previously acted passively or aggressively.

Previously, we identified patterns of self-assertive, passive, and aggressive behavior. The following examples will help to define and explain these concepts more broadly.

The table below shows behaviors typical of actors whose behavior is insecure (hereinafter we will call such behavior passive), confident or aggressive. The same table shows the most obvious consequences of such behavior for the person towards whom the actions are directed.

uncertain behavior	Aggressive behavior	Confident behavior
As an actor	As an actor	As an actor
Infringes upon their interests Experiencing feelings of heartache and anxiety	Harms the interests of others Expresses his feelings by hurting the feelings of others	Satisfied with myself Expresses his feelings
Experiencing feelings of embarrassment and dissatisfaction with oneself Allows others to decide for themselves Doesn't reach desired goal	Decides for others Achieves the desired goal, infringing on the interests of others	Can achieve the desired goal Makes a choice for himself
	As the person towards whom the behavior is directed	As the person towards whom the behavior is directed
Feelings of guilt and anger	Experiencing feelings of resentment and humiliation	Feels a sense of satisfaction

Thus, a protagonist who reacts passively in a conflict situation usually deprives himself of the opportunity to express his feelings. As a result of such a reaction, he feels disadvantaged, because, by allowing others to decide for themselves, he rarely achieves the desired goal.

A person who seeks self-expression and resorts to extremes of aggressive behavior usually achieves his goal by infringing on the interests and pride of others. Aggressive behavior usually humiliates the person towards whom it is directed. His rights are infringed, he feels resentment, anger and humiliation. Although an aggressive person may achieve his goal, he, at the same time, can cause feelings of hatred, anger and resentment, which can subsequently manifest as retribution.

On the contrary, confident behavior in the same situation will cause a feeling of satisfaction in the actor. Honest expression of feelings usually leads to the achievement of the goal, and as a result, the actor experiences a sense of satisfaction.

If these three patterns of behavior are viewed from the point of view of the person towards whom they are directed, a similar situation is noticed. Passive as well as aggressive behavior often evokes a wide range of feelings towards the passive or aggressive person - from feelings of sympathy to feelings of anger and contempt. And, on the contrary, acting confidently, a person expresses his feelings, achieves his goal and remains satisfied with himself, without humiliating or suppressing the other, that is, without causing sharply negative emotions in relation to himself.

In the situations below, taken from Everyday life, the negative effects of passive or aggressive behavior are manifested. Some of the above situations especially clearly demonstrate the negative effects of passive and aggressive behavior in people's lives.

Read carefully the description of each situation, then stop and, before reading the answers given, think for a minute about how you would have acted in a similar situation. Of course, there can be as many reactions to each situation as there are people in the world. We give only three to simplify the illustration of the basic, typical differences in the behavior of people in various life situations.

At the restaurant

Husband and wife are having lunch in a restaurant. Husband ordered a well-fried chop. When the chop was served, the husband found that the chop was not fried enough. His behavior:

Passive: The husband grumpily complains to his wife about the uncooked chop, noting that he will no longer be in this restaurant. He says nothing about this waitress, answering "Yes, yes!" when she asked if everything was ok. The husband feels that the evening is ruined. He is dissatisfied with dinner, he is dissatisfied with himself. He regrets that he did not take steps to rectify the situation and is embarrassed in front of his wife.

Aggressive: The husband calls the waitress angrily. He reprimands her for the undercooked chop and demands another well-cooked one. An embarrassed and flustered waitress replaces his dish to his delight. Now he is at the height of the situation, but the wife feels uncomfortable as a result of such a reaction of her husband, the husband understands this, and this ruins the evening for both of them. The waitress is also upset, which will obviously affect her further work during the evening.

Confident: The husband calls the waitress to his table and remarks to her that he ordered a well-fried chop. He politely but firmly asks to replace her with another, in accordance with his order. The waitress asks to excuse her for the mistake and soon returns with a well-fried chop. The couple is happy with the dinner, happy with themselves, the waitress gets her tip, and is happy that the customers are satisfied.

Can I take?

Elena, a college student, is a smart and attractive girl. She lives in a student hostel, in a room with two other girls. One evening, one of her friends, Mary, was going on a date (Elena planned to work on a course assignment that evening). While dressing, Mary remarked that she would very much like to make a good impression on the young man with whom she had an appointment, and asked Elena if she could give her a new necklace to wear for the evening, which she had recently received as a gift from her brother. Her brother sent her this necklace from abroad, where he is serving in the military. The necklace is quite expensive, Elena loves her brother and cherishes his gift. Her response:

Passive: She tries not to show concern about the possible damage or loss of a gift dear to her and says: “Of course!”. She selflessly gives the necklace, thereby encouraging Mary to repeat such requests in the future, and experiences a feeling of unease throughout the evening (which does not contribute to the successful completion of her term paper).

Aggressive: Elena indignantly replies: “No way! How could you even think about it?” she reprimands her friend. She humiliates Mary and puts herself in a stupid position. Then she experiences a feeling of embarrassment and guilt towards her friend. Her spoiled mood also does not contribute to the completion of the term paper. Mary's spoiled mood has a bad effect on her relationship with the young man. The evening is ruined.

Confident: Elena, in a polite but firm tone, explains to her friend that the necklace is very dear to her as a memory and that therefore she does not find it possible to fulfill her request. Subsequently, she was satisfied that she was able to fend for herself. Mary understood the sincerity of her answer, was not offended and spent a pleasant evening with her gentleman.

Offer to smoke marijuana

Pamela is a pretty and cheerful girl who meets a young man whom she likes very much. One day, he invites Pamela to a small party where two more of his friends are present with their girlfriends. Everyone gets to know time is running funny. An hour later, one of the young people brings cigarettes, as he explains, with marijuana, and invites everyone to smoke. Pamela has a feeling of dismay as she doesn't want to experiment with marijuana. A young man she likes smokes marijuana, and when he offers such a cigarette to her, she decides to act;

Passively: She smokes marijuana and pretends that this is not the first time for her. She worries about being asked to smoke more, she is also worried about what her friend will think of her. She feels hurt and dissatisfied with herself for allowing herself to be drawn into an unpleasant situation.

Aggressively: Pamela is visibly upset by the offer to smoke marijuana and scolds her friend sharply for bringing her to a party of such a "low" sort. She states that she wants to return home immediately, as she does not want to be in the company of "such" people. The participants of this party notice to her that she can not smoke these cigarettes if she does not want to, but it is already impossible to appease her. Her friend is upset and annoyed by her reaction, he feels embarrassed in front of his friends and disappointed in her. He accompanies her home, politely says goodbye, but no longer asks for a meeting.

Confident: Pamela did not want to take a cigarette, simply answering: "Thanks, I don't want to." She also explains that she has never smoked marijuana before and does not want to do so at all. She also expresses her wish that the others abstain from smoking marijuana, but recognizes their right to decide this issue for themselves.

Excess weight

Spouses V. have been married for nine years. Recently, the relationship between them began to deteriorate, as the husband insists that she gained weight and she should lose weight. He often talks about how she is no longer the woman he married, that she used to be much more graceful, that being overweight is bad for her health, that she sets a bad example for children, and so on. In addition, he teases her by calling her fat and looks at skinny girls for how attractive they look and makes "jokes" about her figure in front of their friends. This has been going on for the past three months and is very upsetting to the wife. She tries to lose weight during these three months, but without success. After her husband's last critical tirade, she acts:

Passive: She apologizes for her weight, makes weak good arguments, or simply doesn't respond to some of her husband's comments. Inwardly, she feels irritation against her husband and, at the same time, her own guilt for not being able to lose weight. The feeling of anxiety makes it even more difficult to lose weight, and the skirmishes between the spouses continue.

Aggressively: Wife launches into a lengthy tirade about how her husband is also “not such a godsend!” She cites as an example the fact that in the evening he often falls asleep on the couch, that he is an unenviable partner in intimate relationships and does not pay enough attention to her. None of these comments are relevant to the core of the controversy, but the wife continues. She complains that he humiliates her in the presence of children and close friends, that he behaves like a "lustful, weak old man", looking at young girls. With her aggressive counterattack, she successfully injures her husband and drives a wedge into the further relationship between them.

Confident: Having chosen a convenient time when they are alone, the wife notices that her husband is right that she should lose weight, but that she does not like how he achieves this goal. She emphasizes that she is trying to lose weight and that she is having difficulty losing weight. excess weight. The husband agrees with her that his method of reproaches and ridicule is unreasonable, and promises to support her in her efforts to lose weight by choosing time for long walks and sports together.

Jonah

Robert is a 22 year old young man. He lives alone in a small one-room apartment in a building with no elevator and works in a plastics factory. He left school because his studies were difficult for him and his classmates laughed at him and teased him. The girl he liked refused to date him. Recently, he even had to spend a night in jail for drunk driving. Yesterday he received a letter from his mother, which was mainly devoted to the success of his brother. He was scolded today by his boss for a mistake he allegedly made. This was unfair, since the mistake was the fault of the boss himself. On top of that, the girl who works as a secretary in the factory office turned down his invitation to have lunch together. When he returned to his house, upset and tired, the owner of the house met Robert in the hallway with a long tirade about drunken idlers and demanded (a week ahead of time) that the monthly rent be paid on time. Robert's answer:

Passive: He doesn't mind the owner of the house, he feels even more upset. A sense of helplessness overwhelms him. He cannot understand how his brother succeeds, he experiences a bitter sense of his own inferiority. The office secretary's refusal to meet him and the boss's criticism reinforce this feeling in him. Deciding that white light would be the best place without it, he finds a small revolver that was hidden in his room and loads it with the intent to kill himself.

Aggressive: The owner of the house added the last drop to Robert's patience. He becomes extremely angry pushing away the owner of the house standing in front of him. Arriving at his apartment, he decides to "pay off" with those who poison his existence - with the boss, with the secretary, with the owner of the house and, possibly, at the same time with others. He finds his revolver and loads it, deciding to go after dark and "pay off" those who wronged him.

Confident: Robert politely but firmly tells the owner of the house that he pays the apartment regularly and that the next payment date will not come until a week later. He reminds the owner of the house that a week ago he promised to fix the broken railing on the stairs and the faulty faucet in the bathroom. The next morning, after reflecting on his unfortunate circumstances, Robert calls the local psychological counseling office and asks for an appointment with a doctor. At work, he calmly explains to the boss the reason for the unfortunate mistake. Although not entirely willing, but Although not entirely willing, the boss admits his mistake and asks Robert to forgive him.

Insurance agent

Jack, a graduate student with six months to go before his defense, is up to his short term pass tests in the last disciplines and submit course project scientific leader. Jack is married to Carolyn, a graduate student at the same college. all last week Jack and Carolyn are harassed over the phone by insurance companies offering Graduation Dream, Super Reliability and Lifeline, special insurance policies designed for college graduates, but the young couple decide not to purchase any insurance until their studies are over. . One evening, after dinner, a respectable young man appears at their door and announces that he can offer them a "high position". Jack's reaction:

Uncertain: He invites the young man in and listens for a long time as he advertises the policy, although he is not going to buy it.

Aggressive: In a loud and angry voice, Jack says, "You insurance agents have hounded us to death. You're the fourth one this week and I'm fed up with your visits. Get the hell out and tell your buddies that the next son of a bitch who has the audacity to come to us and offer insurance, will not leave here alive!

neighbor's son

Spouses E. have a two-year-old son and a nine-month-old girl. For the past few evenings, the neighbours' seventeen-year-old son has turned on his stereo tape recorder at full blast just as the E.s put their children to bed. Loud music wakes up children, and they can no longer fall asleep until such a “concert” is over. Spouses E. are upset by this and decide to act:

Passively: Spouses E. put the children to bed in their bedroom, in the other half of the house, wait until the music stops (until about one in the morning), then transfer the children to the children's room. They go to bed themselves later than the hour to which they are accustomed. They quietly curse the teenager for this, and soon their relationship with the neighbors becomes estranged.

Aggressively: Spouses E. call the police and say that this "abnormal teenager" is causing them inconvenience. They demand that the police stop this noise immediately. The policeman is talking to the boy and his parents, who are very upset and upset by the unexpected visit of the policeman. They condemn the E spouses for contacting the police without first talking to them, and soon cut off all relations with the E spouses.

Confidently: The E. spouses visit their neighbors and notice the boy that his music keeps their children up late into the night. They ask what can be done in this regard. The young man reluctantly agrees to turn down the sound of his receiver during the late hours and apologizes for the inconvenience caused. Spouses E. and their neighbors are satisfied with the solution of the problem.

Enough for me!

Mark, a 28-year-old young man, comes home to find a letter from his wife in which she says she wants to end the marriage. He is upset by his wife's act, especially because she did not find it necessary to tell him about it in person. Trying to understand why she did this, he rereads the letter: “Mark, we have been married for three years, and not once did you make me feel like a complete person. You constantly demand complete obedience from me and make all decisions on your own, regardless of me! You never show warmth and kind feelings towards me, and I am afraid to have children from you for fear that you will treat them the same as me. I have lost love and respect for you. Last night, when you hit me, that was the last straw. I'm divorcing you." Mark decides to respond to his wife's letter:

Passive: He feels lonely, offended, he regrets what happened. A few shots of whiskey cheer him up enough that he gathers his courage and calls his wife at her parents' house. He begs her to forgive him, asks her to return, promises to change.

Aggressive: Mark is very angry with his wife's behavior and finds her at his parents' house. He roughly grabs her hand and demands that she go back there. where she should be - home! He states that she is his wife and should do as he says. She balks and resists, and her parents call the police.

Confident: Mark calls his wife and says that he repents that he is guilty, and promises to change his attitude towards her. He asks his wife not to divorce him and give him the opportunity to prove to her that this promise is not empty words.

In free time

Missy K. is a retired widow, financially independent and enjoys spending time digging in her garden. She also loves to draw and does it quite successfully. And, since her paintings are willingly bought, this hobby gives her tangible financial support. Her neighbor, Miss R., drops in to chat with her 2-3 times a week. Usually Missy K. is happy to have a neighbor, but lately her visits have become almost daily and Mrs. K. has become annoyed. In addition, the time lost for painting began to negatively affect her financial obligations. Still, she doesn't want to hurt her neighbor. When she opens the door and sees Missy R, she reacts as follows:

Passively: She smiles sweetly: "Oh, hello! I already thought - why don't you come to my place? Come in, please! I'll make coffee for you ... Although ... I'm just busy right now ..."

Aggressively: Her face takes on an angry expression, she says, "R., are you here again? This is the third time this week! How can I do something when you are hanging around here all the time? Why don't you call before come? Or don't you have your own house?"

Confident: She smiles and says firmly, "Oh, it's you. Unfortunately, I can't see you today. I promised to finish the painting today. Although your company always gives me pleasure, I have to keep up with my paintings."

No doubt, reader, now you understand our idea. Obviously there are many variety of options answers to each of the analyzed situations. Of course, in some examples, the answers that you would choose for yourself could differ significantly from those given by us. Nevertheless, the examples given are typical of human behavior in various life situations and clearly testify in favor of a confident manner of behavior.

If you want to choose the best behavior for yourself, listen to yourself. Analyze your relationships with loved ones. Depending on your age and social status, these may be parents, children, spouse, relatives, employees, classmates, friends, bosses and subordinates.

Do you allow your own interests to be infringed upon? Do you often express your feelings openly? Do you often suppress and infringe on the feelings of others?

Your honest, truthful answers to these questions will help you take an important step towards self-affirmation, and will also help you make relationships with people around you more effective.

But I can take care of myself... Sometimes!

Should and can a person always act confidently? Is there one “correct” way to behave in a certain situation? Because people are so different. Let's return to the situations described in Chapter 4 and draw some conclusions:

• (1) It is possible to express one's feelings in a confident manner, that is, to stand up for oneself without prejudice to the interests of others in the process. Once again, confident behavior is self-expression without harming others. The young man Jeannette rejected was, of course, disappointed when she turned down his invitation. But by acting in a self-assertive way, she was able to rid herself of his attention without hurting his ego. Miss R. was not offended by Miss K., as she realized that her friend really did not have much free time.
• (2) A self-affirming course of action will, in most cases, help you reach your goal. Not always, of course; nothing in life is guaranteed. And yet, hundreds of people have told us that they are amazed at people's reactions to confident answers. Embarrassment, excitement and anger disappear when they answer you: “Of course! I didn't think I was bothering anyone. Sorry!" Or: “I’ll be happy to help!” Or: "I'm only sorry you didn't tell me about this sooner. Thank you."
• (3) Each of us sometimes acts passively, sometimes aggressively, and sometimes confidently - and that's good! We all act differently sometimes. Problems arise when we are passive or aggressive too often for our own well-being! And when we do not know how to make the right choice for ourselves.

We don't expect our readers to always behave confidently. Does not exist " right way" to solve all the problems in life or a "magic formula" that will put everything in its place. Our efforts are aimed at giving you the opportunity to choose.

We believe that if you can stand up for yourself when you want to, this is all you need. We have come to the conclusion that, unfortunately, for many people such a choice is impossible. We have seen that many people are deprived of such a choice. They are influenced by their habits, influenced by other people, influenced by circumstances and unable to make the right choice for themselves.

We often meet people who, basically, know how to act only passively or only aggressively. They are only able to either be controlled by others or control others themselves and are incapable of acting of their own choosing. Here are some examples:

Passivity as a common style of behavior, and passivity in certain situations

Passivity as regular style behavior is characteristic of people who are characterized only by a passive reaction in any life situations. Such a person is usually shy and withdrawn, he is constantly "on the lead" of others.

In cases where most others even try to protest when their rights are violated, such a person will suffer in silence. For example, when some, breaking the silence in the hall during a performance, deprive others of the opportunity to hear the actors, most of us will politely ask them to stop making noise. A person for whom passivity is a common style of behavior will endure and suffer in silence. Moreover, he will even mentally reproach himself: "I must be an egoist." People with this style of behavior ask permission to do what many others consider their birthright.

Harry let his buddy borrow his car for the day. When his friend returned the car to him three days later with an almost empty gas tank and no explanation, Harry didn't say a word to him, although he was extremely upset and outraged.

A person for whom passivity is a common style of behavior, usually has a low opinion of himself and feels uncomfortable in almost all situations. The feelings of inferiority and emotional discomfort constantly experienced by such people most likely require the attention of a professional psychologist. Passivity in certain situations is characteristic of that category of people whose behavior is usually confident, but who in certain life situations experience significant stress, which prevents them from responding correctly in these situations.

In cases of passivity, manifested in certain situations, we are dealing with a relatively emotional healthy people who want to act more effectively in situations they currently struggle with. We hope this book will help them.

Aggressiveness as a common style of behavior, and aggressiveness in certain situations

Do not confuse a confident style of behavior with an aggressive one, as is often the case.

A confident style of behavior excludes humiliation of others or any manifestation of disrespect towards others.

Unfortunately, the definitions of aggressiveness found in publications as an instinctively inherent quality of a person are erroneous and do not help to understand this model of behavior. We believe that aggressive behavior is best defined as an inadequate response to irritation. We will look at this topic in detail later.

By analogy with passive behavior in general and passive behavior in some situations, a typically aggressive individual is characterized by typically aggressive behavior in various situations.

Such a person from the outside gives the impression of a highly self-confident person. Often this is the result of upbringing, when the boy is taught in the family that he must be strong, courageous, not yield to anyone, etc.

Women's aggressiveness often manifests itself in a slightly different way: it is a desire to dominate the conversation, disregard the opinions of others, and in all cases keep the last word. Such a - usually aggressive person - most often has a bad or strained relationship with most of the people with whom he communicates. Such a person is very sensitive to criticism and easily vulnerable. And even a small reason is enough to cause an aggressive reaction in him. Men with this quality are usually tyrants in the family, wives always yield to them, children are afraid of them. They resort to physical punishment of children, beat their wives. An aggressive person of either sex is most often lonely and gloomy, he has difficulty communicating with friends and colleagues, and therefore he often has to change jobs.

Since he often offends others with his behavior, he has few friends, attempts to get close to the people around him usually end in failure, he suffers and withdraws even more into himself.

We believe that a person who behaves in a way that is usually aggressive as well as usually passive can overcome his inability to adequately respond to emotionally difficult life situations, but for this he may need professional help from a psychiatrist.

A person who is aggressive in certain situations usually seeks help in solving a certain problem and readily listens to the advice of others on how to deal with such situations.

For example, Adele became aggressive, "exploded" after a long period of patient suffering - this is a common behavior. She increasingly felt that the people around her were treating her unfairly and that she could not take it anymore and was ready to "flare up". After such an aggressive outburst of indignation and anger, Adele could function normally until the next such "breakdown". She really was right in her indignation, but her aggressive reaction turned out to be inadequate, since she acted incorrectly. It became easier for her to cope with difficult circumstances causing outbursts of aggressiveness only after she has learned to respond in these circumstances in a self-affirming way.

...Sometimes..

Aggressive and passive behavior manifests itself in various forms. Each of us sometimes acts aggressively or passively. In this sense, we are all aggressive or passive in certain situations. And yet you must ensure that these extremes do not become the norm of your behavior.

Do you avoid certain people or certain situations because you are afraid of them? Can you control these unwanted situations, or are they out of your control?

If you are often dissatisfied with yourself, if you cannot choose for yourself how you will act in this or that situation, if your passivity or aggressiveness has not yet become your main form of behavior, then continue reading this book! You will find the help you need!

Why should I change my behavior?

“Well,” you say, “maybe I'm not what I would like to be. But there’s nothing to be done, I was born like that.”

We do not agree. Thousands of people have seen that it is possible to learn confident behavior. It will take more time for one than for another, but it is not that difficult and you will be rewarded. Here you may have questions: "Firstly, do I want to change my behavior? How will the people around me perceive me? Would they mind if I become more self-confident (s)?"

This chapter is about helping you prepare the ground for developing self-assertive behavior skills.

“Yes, I don’t know how to stand up for myself,” you say, “so what?” Then think, for example, how often you reap the benefits of such behavior. Each manifestation of self-deprecating (passive) or aggressive behavior leaves a bitter residue of dissatisfaction with oneself, disappointment and, as a result of this. - self-flagellation. If you have ever experienced this kind of heartache, it means that you already have a desire to change, and we are convinced that this book will help you with this.

Learning to “stand up for yourself” is not yet a panacea for all the evils that we encounter in everyday life, but it is already a big step towards freeing ourselves from bitter feelings of dissatisfaction with ourselves, humiliation and anger.

It is more difficult for an aggressive person to admit that he should change his behavior. If aggressiveness is your style of behavior, you should think about the fact that your relationships with others may worsen even more if you do not try to change your style of behavior.

Bad relationships tend to get worse and your negative emotions can cause you even more suffering in the future. We usually observe that an aggressive person takes appropriate steps to change his behavior under the motivating influence or on the advice of friends and family.

Do you always win an argument? Do you often sharply scold a waiter or seller for poor service? Do you try to rule your subordinates at work? With your family at home? Alienation of people close to you in this way is a high price for such “privileges”. Self-affirming behavior will help you achieve the results you want without antagonizing others.

An interesting example of an aggressive and passive reaction is the case of Karen, who experienced bouts of anger towards her fiancé. He was sometimes late for dates, then he made appointments with her at last minute, without warning about it in advance, and was not always courteous to her and others. Karen endured in silence until resentment, irritation and anger reached such a level that she could no longer remain silent and “exploded”. She understood that in the future the situation could worsen even more, and her upcoming marriage could be unsuccessful. Karen agreed to seek help in exercising self-assertive behavior. Unfortunately, many women spend their entire married life "under the heel" of their husband, as they are not able to fight against such a situation.

Know how to stand up for your rights

By recommending assertive behavior, we emphasize the fact that in human relationships no one has the right to put himself above the other. For example, an employer or superior may not violate the rights of a subordinate to respectful and courteous treatment. A professor should not talk arrogantly to a person who has no education. A doctor has no right to be impolite towards a patient, a nurse or a nurse. Every person, regardless of position and education, has the inalienable right to be free and to assert his rights while respecting the rights of others.

Another argument in favor of self-affirming behavior: the symptoms of such ailments as gastritis, asthma, headache and general fatigue disappear. Nervous tension and excitement, inherent in people who are passive or aggressive, are often the cause of such ailments, and, conversely, these symptoms disappear in those who learn to defend their interests worthily.

Note here that you are not alone - that others have been in the same position, gone through it and changed for the better.

A person who is characterized by an aggressive style of behavior is more difficult to realize the negative consequences of his actions. If, however, he admits that he does not know any other way to achieve his goals, except for humiliation and insulting the feelings of others, and at the same time feels guilty, he will be able to develop a confident style of behavior.

For example, one member of such a training group admitted that he developed a "façade of bravado" to protect himself from the emotional closeness to others that he feared. In fact, he felt "lower" to those around him, and put on himself, as it were, a mask " strong man to keep others at an appropriate distance. Group training helped him develop adequate self-affirming reactions to replace his former ones - belligerent and rude.

0"Kay...I'm ready!

If you, the reader, decide to continue behaving in one way or another, although you know what it costs you and how it will affect your relationships with people around you, then please continue in the same spirit as before.

On the other hand, we suspect that if you have read this book up to this point, you are obviously interested in the opportunity to increase the effectiveness of your actions, that is, you are interested in the possibility of acquiring the skills of confident behavior. You will be convinced that the benefits that such training will bring to you are worth your efforts.

Your path to self-assertion

"Obviously, there are three approaches in relations between people. The first is to reckon only with oneself and suppress others ... The second is to always yield to others in everything ... The third approach is to keep one's interests in mind without neglecting the interests of others."

Dr. Joseph Wolpe, "Renaissance of Behavioral Science..."

There are different opinions about the reasons that motivate a person to act in one way or another.

Modern psychologists find incorrect one of the most popular theories, which claims that behavior is, as it were, the result of a set of views, beliefs and skills instilled in education. And in order to change behavior, you need to change, first of all, attitudes, beliefs, etc.

Many modern psychologists disagree with this exact view. Our practice of hundreds of clients, as well as input from many readers of this book and from our fellow researchers and practitioners, leads us to believe that behavior change can be done in the first place, and in most cases it is easier and more effective.

• * Vladimir Romek.

We do not mean that one day you will wake up and say to yourself: “From today, I will behave or act in a new way, that is, confidently. But this book will serve as your guide to systematic, step-by-step, change in your behavior. The key to confident behavior is the practice of a new behavior pattern. In this chapter, we will show you how a new pattern of confident behavior will change your relationship with others.

We have observed cycles of passive or aggressive behavior that tend to repeat themselves until decisive intervention occurs.

A person who is used to being passive or aggressive in his dealings with others usually has a poor opinion of himself. His attitude towards others causes ridicule and neglect from those around him. He notices this and thinks: “Something is wrong with me. I am worse than others. "Convinced of his inferiority, he continues to act as before. Thus, the cycle repeats. Inadequate behavior, the negative reaction of others, a sense of his own inferiority.

The most clearly observable component in this cycle is the behavior itself. We can easily observe the behavior and actions of a person in contrast to his feelings, which a person can hide if he wants to. Plus, behavior is easier to change.

Our efforts to help improve interpersonal relationships and promote a more positive self-image will focus specifically on behavioral change.

We find that the above cycle can be positively modified: more adequate self-affirming behavior causes a positive reaction from others; this positive reaction leads to a better self-image; and improved self-perception leads to further self-affirmation.

Not everyone, of course, will achieve success so easily and quickly, success will require serious practice in the ability to navigate difficult life situations. However, our experience shows that success is within your power and within your power!

Based on our professional and life experience, we assure you: it is good, it is right to openly and reasonably express your feelings and protect your interests, then the network is able to stand up for yourself.

What if none of this works?

Of course, there will be failures in your attempts at self-affirmation. Of course, we cannot guarantee 100% success in all your interpersonal relationships. As we have said, there is no magical solution to all of our life's problems. Sometimes your goals will be mutually incompatible. If two motorists, for example, want to take the same parking space, someone has to give way! At times, your opponent can be stubborn and unyielding, and your (or our!) self-affirming methods will lead nowhere.

Moreover, you are also human, and you will make mistakes. We all make mistakes. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Of course, this is frustrating, you would like to do otherwise, you are disappointed and discouraged, but try again.

If you find that your attempts to stand up for yourself fail too often, think about it. Maybe you set yourself too difficult goals? Maybe you overdid it, and your actions become aggressive? Read the next chapter carefully and watch your actions. You will find a balance in a short time.

Finally, while your task is to protect your interests and achieve your goal, remember that the most important value of self-affirmation is the feeling of satisfaction you experience after you have expressed your feelings. And, most often, you will have the opportunity to make sure that your a new style behavior - self-expression and self-affirmation - will bring you this feeling of satisfaction. Keep in mind that you have very little chance of protecting your interests and achieving your desired goal if you do nothing to achieve this!

Now you know what confident behavior is. Don't allow yourself to be a passive observer. If you have read this book up to this point, you are interested enough in making your own actions more correct or in helping others to do the same. In any case, put your interest into practice. You won't achieve anything just by sitting and reading this book. If you do not have the desire to apply this printed work of ours in life, we will be disappointed.

If, on the other hand. You will start implementing our ideas right now and you will be able to solve at least one of your problems in your own interests, we will be happy that we were able to help you.

Try it! (You will love it!)

But I never know what to say!

It almost doesn't matter what you say. Among the components of self-assertive behavior, what you say is far less important than how you say it.

Here's an example: You bought a sweater 10 days ago from a relatively expensive store. After wearing it only twice, you noticed that the sleeve of this sweater was ripped. Imagine yourself returning this sweater to the store and saying, “I bought this sweater here 10 days ago and it has already ripped. I would like to exchange it for another or get back the money paid for it.

How did you pronounce these words, that is, how did you present yourself? Using the same words, imagine the impression made in each case if:

• (1) You approach the counter hesitantly, stand hunched over, speaking almost in a whisper, looking down at the floor, clutching a bag in your hands or keeping your hands in your pockets, your expression is timid.
• (2) You rush to the counter, glare at the salesperson, speak loudly, shake your fist in the air.
• (3) With a confident gait, you approach the counter, assume a comfortable posture, smile kindly at the salesperson, and speak in a polite and firm tone, keeping a calm expression on your face.

The difference in the behavior of the actor in these three cases is obvious. The first case represents a self-deprecating, that is, passive style of behavior. Acting in this style, a person will appear before the seller as a pathetic petitioner, doomed to refusal.

In the second case, the aggressive person will obviously get their money back, but it is safe to say that the seller will not like such treatment, and he will try to make the refund procedure as long and unpleasant as possible.

The approach used in case (3) is likely to succeed and the seller (or whoever you have to talk to) will treat you with respect.

Thus, in many cases, your behavior says more than the words themselves. While we don't think that words don't matter in situations like this, they certainly don't matter as much as many people think.

The fact that you have decided to protect your interests and the path you have chosen for this is the main thing; what you say is not so important. Let's take a closer look at some of the components of non-verbal communication (psychologists call this side of communication non-verbal communication).

Eye contact

A direct look at the person you are addressing - The best way let him know that you are sincere. Looking away from the person you are addressing indicates your timidity and lack of self-confidence. Aggressive, "sparkling" look can be understood as an attempt to suppress the opponent. But a calm look into the eyes of the interlocutor, interrupted from time to time by glances to the side, emphasizes your interest in the interlocutor.

Pose

The “weight” of what you want to give to the interlocutor increases if you stand or sit relatively close to him, and leaning slightly towards him. When two people sit side by side on an airplane, in a room, in a classroom, dining table, a simple gesture - a slight turn of the shoulders, about 30 degrees towards the other will emphasize your interest in him. Observing your own posture and posture in conversation will help you determine their effectiveness.

Gestures

The appeal, accentuated by expressive gestures, acquires additional meaning. Particularly expressive gestures are an angry wave of the fist towards the opponent, a soft touch on the arm or shoulder of the interlocutor, an open hand towards the interlocutor (“Stop!”).

Facial expression, voice, tone

When you want to appear stern and/or angry, you will not smile, but will adopt an expression that matches your feelings, and vice versa, your smile will be more natural when you are in the right mood.

A monotonous whisper will not convince the interlocutor that you have firm intentions, and a loud epithet addressed to him will make him wary. So your tone can hurt you in achieving the goal. A statement made in an even, firm, calm voice, without intimidating intonations, will sound convincing enough and will have the greatest effect.

And finally, regarding the volume of the voice. Do you usually speak so quietly that others can hardly hear you? Or do you always speak so loudly that people think you are constantly angry? Control your voice and you will have another powerful element in your efforts towards confident behavior.

Speech rate

Insecure tone and hesitations in speech are a signal to others that you are not confident enough in yourself. You don't have to be a natural speaker to get your point across, but you do need to develop the ability to speak fluently. Comments made clearly and in a measured tone produce best effect than quick but hesitant speech, replete with meaningless words, such as: "well", "you know", "um", etc.

Choose the right time

Although, as we noted above, spontaneity of self-expression is preferable to hesitation and delay, it is still necessary to choose the right time for a conversation.

For example, it is preferable to talk with the boss in his office and in the absence of strangers. No one likes to "look bad" or admit their mistake in front of others. Such a conversation should take place in an appropriate setting, that is, in private. You will have a better chance of achieving your goal, and your opponent will have no reason to feel unkind towards you.

Don't worry about the thought that it will be too late. Even if your conversation can no longer change anything, anyway, let it take place. If you hold a grudge, it will bother you and negatively affect your relationship. It's never too late.

We left this important detail for the end of the chapter, because (we have already noted above) although it is important what we say, it is not as important as many people think.

We encourage honesty in interpersonal relationships and spontaneity in expressing feelings. We believe it is better to say firmly: “I am extremely indignant at what you just did!” than to say: “You s... s...!” People who were previously unable to defend themselves because they "didn't know what to say" find it very helpful to be able to say at least something to express their feelings at this time.

Vocabulary in this case is not of great importance - tell me what you feel!

Another judgment on this matter: we advise you to express your own feelings, taking responsibility for them. Notice the difference in the expressions: “I am extremely indignant (a)” and “You bastard!”. There is no need to humiliate another (aggressiveness) in order to express your feelings (self-affirmation).

Your own imagination will provide you with many situations that demonstrate the importance of expressing your feelings. Let's say here again that the time you spend trying to find " the right words, is better spent on saying how you feel.

Now it's too late....

We often meet people who, recalling the situations that took place in the past, regret that then they were not able to adequately defend their interests and stand up for themselves. They feel that it is too late to change anything now.

An example here is the relationship between Henry K. and his secretary Charlotte.

Henry K. regularly wrote letters and memos, which he handed over to Charlotte at the end of the day for reprinting and reproduction. These letters had to be ready for meetings the next morning, and Charlotte often had to stay after work because of this. And although she loved her job, her personal life suffered from it, and she began to think about how to apply for resignation. Luckily, she found help in one of the assertiveness training groups.

One of the group members rehearsed with her for a scene in which she confronted her boss with her problem. The first such "rehearsal" was unsuccessful. She apologized and allowed her boss to convince herself that such "loyalty to the firm" was essential to her job.

With the help of her leader and with the support of the group members, Charlotte was able to more successfully express her attitude to what was happening. The next day, she spoke to her boss in his office, stated her grievances, and they worked out a more acceptable work schedule for her, and both were satisfied.

With this example, we want to emphasize that it is very rarely too late to protect your interests, even if the situation has clearly deteriorated over time.

Turning to the person involved in the conflict - even a family member, spouse, boss, employee, with an honest "I wanted to talk to you about ..." - will help solve an unpleasant problem and improve relationships in the future. Keep in mind that you need to express your feelings, taking responsibility for them: "I am upset ...", but not "You upset me ..."; "I am outraged ...", but not "You revolt me. ..", etc.

Bad memories cloud our lives. Once again, we note that each of us was in situations in which someone annoyed us, upset us. Maybe you didn't know how or didn't want to do something about it. And yet these feelings of resentment and grief do not disappear. They continue to oppress us, and further damage already damaged relationships until we take the appropriate steps.

Gazelle and Caroline, employees of an accounting firm, once had an argument over which bookkeeping procedure should be considered correct. They had been working together for several years, and their working relationship was going well. More than a month had passed since the argument, and they barely greeted each other. Caroline, who was junior, felt that the fight was going on "too long to do anything" and was frustrated at having to work in such an emotionally uncomfortable environment.

With the encouragement of a more confident friend, Carline plucked up the courage to approach Gazelle and talk to her. “Gazelle, although I have not changed my mind about our dispute, but I hope that we can be friends again. Even friends can have different opinions." Gazelle hesitated, "I still think you're wrong, but I think that our relationship should not end." “Especially,” Caroline added, “we both have to follow the boss's orders, no matter what we think about it. And although I'm still a little angry with you, I want to try to restore our former good relationship." Gazelle relented, “Yes, I think the same. Let's talk about it over lunch."

Perhaps it is not always so easy and successful to resolve a long-standing dispute and restore friendship. But feelings of resentment, anger and grief can and should be remembered in order to try to maintain or restore good relations.

Even if the other party does not want it, you will find that by expressing your feelings in this way and having gone your halfway to reconciliation, you will experience a sense of satisfaction. You will be satisfied with yourself. You know that you did everything you could to solve this problem.

Risky, of course, but then who will take the initiative if you don't?

Feelings of anger in conflict situations. Should it be aggressive?

Anger and anger are natural human emotions. We all experience these feelings from time to time. How we express these feelings is another matter.

People who engage in self-deprecating, passive behavior say, "I never feel angry." We don't believe it. It's just that some people are in control and don't show these feelings openly. Often such a self-controlled individual suffers from migraines, asthma, stomach ulcers, or skin diseases. We are convinced that the expression of anger and anger is beneficial, and that the reasonable expression of these feelings prevents aggressive actions.

Spontaneously expressing feelings of anger and anger as soon as you experience them, without letting those feelings build up, is the healthiest method we know of to deal with these negative emotions.

In these situations, the following words and expressions may be useful:

I do not like it.

I am very angry (evil).

I am very dissatisfied (dissatisfied).

I think it's unfair.

Very often we have met people who express their frustration and dissatisfaction with others using dishonest, covert, cowardly and cruel methods. Such methods are rarely successful if your goal is to change someone's behavior.

A classic example of such a sanctimonious approach is the newlyweds Martha and John. In the first few weeks of their marriage, Martha discovered a dozen of her husband's habits that she found disgusting.

Unfortunately for both of them, she couldn't - or didn't want to - openly tell John himself. Instead, she chose the "safe" method of expressing her dissatisfaction with John's behavior: she complained about it to her mother in daily phone conversations. Moreover, she used family meetings to complain about her husband and other family members.

This "see-what-he-is-terrible" style in relation to a third person can have the worst effect on a relationship. John is hurt, upset, and angry at Martha because of this. He would prefer that she tell him herself, without outsiders, about what annoys her. And instead of changing his habits, he responds to her by showing even more intensely those that she does not like.

If Martha had turned to her husband and told him herself about what irritated her - in the appropriate manner that we spoke about above - she would have created good foundation for a mutual effort to change John's behavior.

Another example: A customer left his car for repair at a car repair shop at 8 am and the mechanic promised to finish the repair by 4 pm. At 4 o'clock, when the client returned, the following conversation took place:

Customer: "Hello, my last name is X and I'm here to pick up my car."

Master (looking at his papers): "I'm sorry, we haven't started working on it yet."

Client: “Well, you know, I'm outraged! What's happened?"

Master: “This is our mistake. We accidentally lost sight of your car. Excuse me, please. I promise you that tomorrow at 8 o'clock in the morning you will be able to receive it.

Note that the client expressed his dissatisfaction in a non-aggressive way. He was outraged and told the master about it without insulting or humiliating him. He could respond aggressively, for example: “You, damn you, can never do anything on time! I demand that you repair my car immediately!”

Most likely, such a tirade will turn the master against you and reduce your chances of good service in this workshop, not only now, but also in the future. It is important to express your displeasure in a way that does not offend or humiliate the other. Honest, spontaneous, self-affirming expression of your feelings will help prevent a destructive outburst of anger and, in addition, firstly, it can help you achieve your goal and, secondly (even if it does not help you achieve your goal), you will have no reason to blame yourself for not doing anything.

Unfortunately, there is a popular theory that aggressive actions (as long as they do not cause physical harm to the opponent) are a useful form of eliminating feelings of anger. On the contrary, as has been repeatedly demonstrated in the latest research, aggressive actions cause a similar response. And we want to warn you against the mistake of equating confident and aggressive behavior.

Sometimes a person feels better after reacting aggressively to an unpleasant situation, "letting off steam of emotions."

Nevertheless, a self-affirming reaction in conflict situations will not only enable you to reasonably respond to an unpleasant situation, but will also enable your opponent to adequately respond to you and, possibly, even change his attitude towards you (that is, eliminate the possibility of a recurrence of the conflict in the future).

Constructive conflict resolution

Conflicts are inevitable phenomena characteristic of people who are in close contact. Spouses, lovers, families, employees and even statesmen the difficulties created by the existence of seemingly irreconcilable points of view are very well known. Meanwhile, in last years psychologists have done a lot of work in search of effective methods of conflict resolution.

Particular attention was paid to two topics in particular: conflicts in intimate relationships and conflicts in relationships within the organization. It may surprise you, but the basics of conflict are very similar in both cases.

Brian and Ruby have been married for 10 years and plan to spend another vacation. He wants to rent a room and spend a vacation by the ocean, she wants to travel to New England historic sites. When it comes to deciding where to go...

E. N. heads the sales department, R. F. - research department in a large firm. The annual budget is being prepared for approval, and both E. N. and R. F. both insist on a significant increase in staffing in their departments. The company's budget does not allow meeting the requirements of both. When E.N. and R.F. meet face to face at a meeting in the director's office, ..

Ruby and Brian, E.N. and R.F. in these examples, representatives of countless people in situations where conflict is inevitable. Psychologists working in this field have come to a number of conclusions that will be useful in any conflict situation.

Notice how close these methods are to the principles of assertiveness discussed above.

Conflict resolution is made easier:

• (1) When both sides avoid the scheme: "I will be the winner and you will be the loser." Then both sides have the opportunity to win at least partially, and neither should lose.
• (2) When both parties have the same information about the problem. Check the facts!
• (3) When the main goals of the parties are compatible (for example, "relax and have fun on vacation", but not "where we will go").
• (4) When the parties are honest and open with each other.
• (5) When each party takes responsibility for their feelings.
• (6) When each side is willing to deal with the problem openly, without avoiding or not wanting to notice it.
• (7) When something like an exchange system is used. Negotiation, quid pro quid, is at the heart of conflict resolution.

If we cooperate in solving a problem and each side concedes something that the other side wants, it is very likely that we can find a mutually acceptable solution.

A conflict that has reached the point where both sides feel intense dislike can only be resolved when feelings are expressed honestly and openly. Confidently: “I am outraged by your unwillingness to understand my point of view,” can be the beginning of a constructive dialogue. A passive "Let's forget it all" (to avoid a problem) or an aggressive "You stubborn ass!" will definitely leave both parties frustrated and dissatisfied.

There is nothing wrong with being angry! But use a positive, honest, confident way of expressing your feelings. You and those around you will benefit from this!

Confident behavior in interpersonal relationships

Interpersonal relationships are relationships with people close to us; it is the relationship between parents and children, husband and wife, brother and sister. Of course, close personal relationships are not limited to family circles, such relationships often involve people living together under various circumstances.

A common factor in these relationships is various kinds of feelings of affection, love and devotion, as well as a desire to maintain these relationships. If your boss makes your life difficult, you can say goodbye to him; if the seller in the store did not pay due attention to you, you will not go there again; if an employee (ca) is disloyal to you, you will prefer not to communicate with him (her), if possible, etc.

But if troubles arise between us and those close to us, this usually becomes of paramount importance to us.

How many people come to a psychologist because of a bad relationship with their hairdresser? On the other hand, we see a lot of people seeking advice and help in domestic and family troubles.

Read following examples and think about how you would react in a similar situation. Click on the button next to the option you have chosen and read the commentary.

"The Girls Came to Visit"

Your daughter invited her school friends home. It's already getting dark, and it's time to go home, but they have fun in full swing.

Alternative reactions: You try to read something in your room, but you fail to do so. You think about asking your husband to remind the girls to go home, and you read the same page again, unable to concentrate.

By not wanting to react to an unpleasant situation, you allow feelings of irritation and dissatisfaction to accumulate, and this is harmful to your health.

Jumping up from the couch, you sharply scold the girls, especially your daughter, for the fact that her friends stayed with you.

There is no need to chastise girls. This will upset them and, especially, your daughter, whom you humiliated in the presence of her friends.

Addressing the girls in a firm and polite tone, you remind them that it's already getting dark, that there's enough fun for today and it's time to go home.

Appeal to girls in a polite and friendly tone, you kind of invite them to respond accordingly.

"Late for Dinner"

Your husband was supposed to be home for dinner, right after work, but he arrived late, explaining that he went to a bar with friends. He's a little drunk.

Alternative reactions: You don't say anything to your husband, but you are in a bad mood. You silently serve him dinner.

We think that you should express your attitude towards his lateness, regardless of whether it happened for the first time or logged in. Your silence may be interpreted as if you don't mind it.

With shouting and crying, you announce to him that he is a drunken fool who does not care about you, that he is a bad example for children and that he can go to dinner where he came from.

Shouting, crying and offensive epithets will not solve your problem, but will only aggravate the situation. Besides, your accusations of his indifference to you are unfair if they are based only on this case.

Very good. You express what you feel and do it in a calm, gentle manner. Your words will not be more intelligible if you scream and cry at the same time.

"Relatives visiting"

Anna, with whom you prefer not to spend much time together, called you on the phone and said that she intended to come to visit you. Usually her visits drag on for several weeks.

Alternative reactions: You think to yourself: "Oh my God, what a horror!". But out loud you say: "Well, of course. We will all be happy, you can stay with us as long as you want."

Saying one thing, but meaning another, you are in disagreement with yourself, and this usually manifests itself in the future in relationships with others. You become either too kind, or, conversely, quick-tempered and irritable. Pretending is hard to hide, and when you try to hide your feelings, people usually notice it anyway. Therefore, it makes sense from the very beginning not to hide your feelings.

You tell her that the kids have the flu, that the springs on the spare bed have broken, and that you yourself are away visiting Cousin Bill over the weekend, all of which, of course, is not true.

She will obviously say that she will bring a lot of vitamins for the children, and buy springs for the bed, and that she has not seen Cousin Bill for a long time and will be happy to visit him with you. Try to avoid hints, in the hope that someone will understand what you mean, because even if they understand it, you will offend them even more than you would say about it directly.

You say: "We will be glad to invite you to the next Saturday and Sunday."

A confident reaction does not make you a cold and hard person. As this answer illustrates, at times you can compromise, meaning you have a choice. If you know you can stand up for yourself, you can be flexible in situations like this.

After midnight....

Your son, a high school student, has just returned from a school evening. It's already three hours after midnight; You were awake, nervous and waiting for his return. He promised to be home at twelve.

Alternative reactions: After waiting for your son, you go to bed.

You should at least find out the reason for being late and say that you were worried, otherwise he may understand this so that in the future he may do the same.

You yell at him: “Where the hell have you been? Do you know what time it is?

Your answer is bad because it does not give him the opportunity to explain the reasons for being late. Even if these reasons seem unconvincing to you, you should still listen to him. We want you to express your feelings, but do it reasonably. By reacting aggressively in this situation, you can achieve the obedience of your son, but at the same time you humiliate his dignity and sacrifice a good relationship with him.

You say, "I was really worried about you, son. You said you'd come at 12. Why didn't you call me? What happened?"

Fine. Don't be afraid to show that you care about his well-being. Ask what caused the delay. It is his duty to inform you if he cannot come home on time.

Confidence in the work environment

Job. Source of human dignity. A tool to change the world. “Find a job that will captivate you,” parents and mentors say to boys and girls. This is how we exalt work.

Meanwhile, as relevant studies show, people are dissatisfied with the lack of influence they have at work, as well as the lack of moral rewards. For example, it is very difficult to find moral reward in work if you repeat the same action over and over again.

Students all over the world raised their voices in protest against the "elitism" system, that is, the "school - university - work" system. But those same people, when they start working, find themselves adjusted to a system that rewards conformity and passivity.

And yet, at work, as in everyday life, there are opportunities to defend your interests and influence situations. Of course, you won't change the world, or even your office or business, but you can keep your dignity. You can prevent those "little murders" that threaten your own dignity. You can stand up for your interests and keep your job.

Of course there is a risk. We know a young woman, K, who lost her well-paid job because she tried to argue with her boss for treating her unfairly. And, although her objections were expressed in the proper form, she was fired. K. knew that she was taking risks, and took this risk. Unfortunately, the boss did not accept her self-affirming act. According to our observations, this is a rare case.

Most managers respect those employees who honestly express their agreement or disagreement in an appropriate and confident manner, without humiliating others or infringing on their interests.

Likewise, employees treat with respect their superiors who are free from arrogance, do not resort to demeaning tactics by criticizing subordinates, and treat their employees with due respect.

Very often we meet leaders who fence themselves off with arrogance from their subordinates. Such people think that the tactics of the "supreme overseer" will make subordinates work better. Alas, the opposite usually happens.

If you are in a managerial role and conflict resolution is your main concern, we advise you to re-read Chapter 10, which discusses in particular the application of the self-affirmation aspect to conflict resolution.

Let's analyze some examples here. (Click on the button next to one of the alternatives to read the comment)

"Work after work"

You and your spouse were going to the premiere of a play tonight, tickets for which were pre-purchased a few days ago. Today you planned to leave work on time. However, during the day, your boss let you know that he would like you to stay late at work today and work on a special assignment overtime.

Alternative reactions: You say nothing about your plans and agree to stay.

If you react in this way, you have a double problem. Firstly, you will be upset yourself, and secondly, your spouse will be upset. Your spouse will be upset not only by the fact that he will not watch the premiere of the performance, but also by your inability to protect your interests. Often we hear complaints like: "Well, if I say something," across "my boss, I know he will fire me." Or: "My boss won't understand or won't understand my point of view." Do not guess, try to stand up for yourself and protect your interests.

Badly! First, speaking in a nervous, broken voice. You force the interlocutor to prepare for a “rebuff”. Secondly, if you criticize the boss, condemning his way of working, you can be sure that he will bristle even more. It is better to stick to the fact that you have important plans for this evening. And about how he plans the work, it is better to talk specifically, another time.

Turning to your boss in a firm but kind tone, you tell him about your plans for the evening and that, unfortunately, you will not have the opportunity to work on a special assignment today.

This is the correct self-assertive answer. Your firm and amiable tone does not give rise to the fact that the interlocutor is angry and responds to you accordingly. You've made the point clear, but don't spoil things by saying, "You think I should stay anyway?"

"Error at work"

You made a mistake in some aspect of your work. Your supervisor has discovered her and is letting you know in a perhaps brusque tone that you shouldn't have been so careless.

Alternative reactions: You humbly apologize and say that you are sorry that it was stupid of you and that it will never happen again.

When you react in this way, that is, in a self-deprecating way, you kind of give permission to the other to treat you in the same way in the future. If others do not know how you feel, they have no reason to change their attitude towards you.

You flare up and say that he has no right to criticize your work - he makes mistakes himself - and you are quite able to cope with your work.

Reacting in this way. You provoke him (her) to further sharp attacks. Becoming belligerent will not solve your problem. You will only make it worse. Despite the fact that he (she) spoke to you in a harsh tone, it is better not to answer him (her) in the same way, but simply to notice that you do not like it.

You admit you made a mistake, say you're sorry about it, and be more careful next time. You add that he (she) speaks in a rather harsh tone, and that you do not see the need for this.

Your boss has the right to criticize your work, but he must speak to you in a polite tone. And one more thing: there is nothing wrong with the fact that you admitted your mistake. This does not make you a weak person. Rather, on the contrary.

Late

One of your subordinates has been late to work for the last three or four days.

Alternative reactions: To yourself or in conversation with others, you complain about this, but do not say anything to the one who is the cause of your displeasure, each time hoping that this will not happen again.

Most of us spend too much time thinking about the problems that have arisen between us and another person, discussing these problems with others. We waste our time grumbling, lamenting and gossiping instead of taking positive steps towards solving this problem.

You tell him that he has no right to be late, that if he does not come to work on time, he will be fired.

Here we see a classic example of how a person complicates his life. as soon as you feel that you are worried that an employee is late, you must react without delay, otherwise you will accumulate negative emotions and increase your aggressiveness index. This manifests itself in threats and intimidation.

You approach him and tell him that he has been late to work lately and would like to know the reason. If a respectful reason not named, you say firmly that he should try to come to work on time. If the reason turns out to be valid, you say that he should have come to you and explained the situation.

Being interested in the reason for the delay of your employee, you take care of him. His answer in any case allows you to adequately react to the situation.

Job interview

You are present at such an interview, and you understand that the interview is almost over. You did not have the opportunity to ask any of the questions that you are interested in regarding this work. He (she) just said: "I think we will end here. I will inform you of our decision regarding your candidacy."

Alternative reactions: You start talking quickly, you are worried, nervous, you feel your heartbeat, and you cannot formulate a single question.

We don't want you to be too pushy, but no one can help you if you don't stand up for yourself.

You ask, "Are you done? I also want to say something." You tell him (her) that not only he (she) chooses you, you must also choose this firm for yourself. After that, you continue to tell him (her) in an obviously boastful manner, what a great worker you are.

If you are the son (daughter) of the owner of the company, you may get away with it. That is, we think that you have very little chance of getting this job.

You say: "Before we end our conversation, can I ask you a few important questions about the proposed job? I would also like to tell you about my previous work experience in more detail than is stated in the questionnaire." By continuing, you clearly state your questions and opinions. Before you say goodbye, you ask how soon you can get an answer.

Very good! By emphasizing your positive qualities, you improve your chances of getting the job you want. We only mean that you should not hide your achievements because of shyness. A staff manager usually appreciates people who are confident in themselves and can stand up for themselves without putting others down.

How to respond to humiliation?

Behavior that humiliates others is a type of behavior often found in our society.

Here are some examples: You may be the object of neglect or humiliation for showing up to work without a tie, for accidentally damaging someone's car in an accident, for making a mistake, for not understanding the material, which was explained to you, etc.

You may become an object of neglect if you belong to a group of people who have traits that others traditionally find distinctive or distasteful. These are, for example, groups of people who are usually referred to as "ethnic minorities", groups of people with various physical disabilities, groups of people who are outlaws (prisoners), alcoholics, poor people, rich people, left-handed people, women, old people, beautiful women, fat men, etc.

Some subgroups, such as ethnic minorities and women, are more likely to be neglected and this is a more serious and complex problem.

Let us also note here that it is common for a person to be derogatory towards himself.

Let's take a look at a few types of offensive behavior.

Verbally aggressive abusive behavior

This type of derogatory behavior is easy to identify, as it is an open, rude, direct reaction on someone's part. As you know, derogatory acts are often subtle, subtle, and evasive, but if you are addressed in this manner, you cannot be mistaken in the intention behind such treatment.

Let's analyze this example: You are driving away from a car park where the cars are parked quite close to each other. Trying to maneuver, you accidentally hit the door of a nearby car, leaving a dent on it. When you get out of the car to see what happened, the owner of the damaged car runs up to you and shouts: “Hey, dunce! Look what you've done! I have an expensive car, and I need to be next to an idiot like you!”

We could slightly change the situation for an example where the person responsible for the damage would be a member of one of the ethnic minority groups, for example, the Negro group. Монолог хозяина машины звучал бы, примерно, так: «Черт тебя подери, тупой ниггер!» etc.

In any case, it is clear to you that you have been humiliated, but what should you do, how to respond?

We have found that it is best to firstly let the other person speak, i.e. “let off steam”) before attempting to respond. And only when you saw that he is ready to listen to you. You can say, “Look, I'm sorry I hit your car. I understand that you are angry with me for this, but I did not do it intentionally! And I do not like the insulting words that you use in my address.

For the ethnic group example, we recommend saying something like this: “Look, I hit your car, I'm sorry about it, and I know you're mad at me for it. Но меня возмущает, когда Вы называете меня «ниггер» и т.п. It has nothing to do with my hitting your car. So stop it. And now I will write down for you the address of my insurance agent.

Obviously, you will be very upset after hearing this kind of insult. And we believe that you can express your outrage by speaking quickly and firmly, holding your hand palm forward, as if signaling "stop!" and maintaining a stern expression.

Four important elements in this answer:

• (1) Apologize if you are at fault, even if you feel humiliated;
• (2) Understand the feelings of the other;
• (3) Tell him how you feel about his derogatory remarks about you;
• (4) Suggest a solution that can end the discussion.

Wordless aggressive derogatory behavior

In this situation, we are not so obviously humiliated, since we did not hear the words. However, here we easily notice wordless hints: a heavy glaring look, a nervous posture, a clenched fist, a firm aggressive gait, etc. It is difficult to separate this situation from the previous one, since words usually accompany this form of behavior.

Two important points which will help you in such situations:

• firstly, - do not try to interpret offensive gestures and facial expressions, but simply ask what it means;
• secondly, do not try to suppress your feeling, note that it bothers you.

Verbal-passive offensive behavior

Compared to verbally aggressive derogatory behavior, this type of behavior is not as clear-cut, and what the other person means is not so easy to determine.

For example: You are Mexican and you are attending a party where most of your employees are English. In the midst of the fun, your English boss turned to you with the words: “And you, Mario, of course, play the guitar. Usually, people like you are musically talented." The tone of the boss was clearly condescending.

Of course, you understand that this is said to humiliate you, and it is done in a veiled manner, and, as it were, under the protection of the presence of others.

Of course, these situations are not easily resolved. We all know people who, as a result of such incidents, have not spoken to each other for years, and yet such a reaction does not solve the problem: your relationship is overshadowed or interrupted completely, hostile feelings do not leave you.

We believe that in such cases one should not pretend that one does not notice the humiliation, and one should not interrupt the relationship. It is better to try to influence the situation so that it does not happen again.

For example: Mario could answer right away: “I don't play the guitar. And I didn't quite like that joke of yours." Of course, this is not the only possible answer. But if you respond to such or similar situations in a confident manner, a good relationship between the two of you can continue.

Wordless-passive derogatory behavior

In typical cases, these are not even deliberate actions aimed at upsetting or humiliating someone, but, as it were, automatic actions. Here is one example: a wife asks her husband to call her if he is late at work. The husband leafs through the magazine and does not answer. One of the important methods of defusing the atmosphere is to ask for clarification if you suspect intention to offend you. So in our example, the wife might have asked, “Are you not answering because you didn’t hear me?”

Asking for clarification in situations like this makes sense for two reasons:

• Firstly, it may happen that you simply made a mistake and misinterpreted someone's actions.
• Secondly, when you seek clarification, you have the opportunity to "put in place" the other.

That is, you caught him (her) in a not quite fair play, and even if this is done unintentionally, you draw his (her) attention to the fact that this bothers you, and make it clear to him (her) that you should be treated as an equal. If you keep silent. You kind of agree to treat you in the same way in the future.

We want to emphasize here that we do not mean to exclude non-verbal forms of communication from use. We think that it makes sense for you to pay attention to your own opportunities to express your feelings without words: a happy smile when you are happy; furrowed brows when angry; raised eyebrows when puzzled; good gestures and so on.

Clearly self-deprecating behavior

This means that when we are in the circle of other people, we explicitly or covertly "radiate signals" of a self-deprecating nature.

For example, after hearing about the success of a friend in sports, K. says: “Oh, that's wonderful. And I can't even play ping-pong."

We all tend to have a derogatory attitude towards ourselves. We are unhappy with ourselves for being too fat or too thin, for looking bad, for not being smart enough, etc. Many of us are so insecure that we cannot even accept a compliment without so as not to humiliate yourself in doing so.

Jason has just won first prize in a photography competition. His buddy Jerry came over to congratulate him: “Hello Jason, I heard you won this contest. Congratulations! You had strong opponents!” Instead of thanking his friend with dignity, Jason replies: “Oh, no, nothing special, I guess I'm just lucky, I'm just an amateur,” saying these words, Jason shakes his head and blushes with embarrassment.

Latent self-deprecating behavior

This type of behavior takes place when we are sure in our hearts that we are bad, ugly, lack talents, cannot do this or that, etc. This internal tape begins to spin as soon as we compare ourselves with others, or have done a mistake, or being humiliated by someone else, or failing to do something, or when we think about our failures in the past.

In this area, as in the area of ​​overt self-deprecating behavior, many of us are masters. Here is one example:

Terry tries to fix the motor, but he does not immediately succeed. And he hears this little inner voice: "You're just dumb, you've done this many times already, I bet Tommy would have done it right away."

Nothing good comes from self-abasement, overt or covert. Does it make you better? Quite the contrary: doesn't your self-confidence suffer from this? Try to be kind to yourself.

Expression of positive emotions - care and love

We have found that people who are passive or aggressive tend to express good feelings and positive emotions more difficult than confident people.

The freedom to express positive emotions has not been encouraged in our culture. Polite restraint was the usual rule of conduct. Meanwhile, new trends and youth lifestyle encourage spontaneous expression of positive emotions. And we heartily welcome greater freedom to express genuine positive emotions towards others.

The difficulty some people experience before saying "thank you!" is both curious and sad to watch. One of our acquaintances, V., who heads a gigantic organization, is famous for the fact that he almost never expresses gratitude to the people who work with him. V. is obviously afraid of appearing "soft" or perhaps does not want to give others a reason to expect praise for their efforts. Why are we so afraid of showing good feelings? Obviously, because in Western culture the concept of "love" also includes a sexual meaning. In addition, people think that it is risky and you can get burned. Of course, it is possible to sincerely love a person without a "romantic" background. The expression of one's positive emotions in relation to another - a warm and firm handshake, a friendly hug, a kiss - is an extremely self-affirming form of behavior.

Recently, we asked a group of university students to name those events and circumstances that give them special pleasure in life. Here are some of their responses (note how many responses include someone expressing positive emotions towards our students):

• Praise
• Friendship
• Independence
• Get a compliment
• Get an "A" on an exam
• Please repeat the work you have done before
• Songs
• Dream come true
• Help others
• Hear a greeting
• Positive comments
• OK
• Feeling satisfied with one's own actions
• Interest from other people
• Acceptance of an invitation Expression of love from the bride, groom
• Completion of a given job
• Reward

Despite the importance for a person of a positive reaction from others, we meet in our practice a lot of people who are unhappy because they are deprived of this in general and in particular in intimate relationships: “He (she) never says that he loves me” . "We hardly talk anymore and I never know what he (she) thinks and feels." Psychologists and counselors often hear these complaints. And, although the expression of love and care is not always a panacea in an "unhealthy" marriage, it can still help partners remember all the good things that happened at the beginning of their relationship.

lend a hand

You are in a large group of people among whom you do not see familiar faces. Suddenly a stranger comes up to you and starts a conversation, freeing you from the awkward feeling of being "lost". Or: Two days after you moved to new apartment, Your new neighbors - a married couple - came to congratulate you on your housewarming.

Taking the initiative in these and similar situations, of course, requires some courage. But if you are able to take such initiative, you have already reached a high level of self-confidence.

If up to now you have not found it possible for you to reach out first - for fear of being rejected, or for another reason - we advise you to still try to do it.

Even if not in all cases the answer turns out to be what you hoped for, you can be convinced that doing a good deed is in itself both a joy and a reward.

Over one year old

When in life we ​​have unpleasant situations: insulted, put in an uncomfortable position - we rarely find the right words to fight back. But it is possible to learn the simplest techniques to repel a blow.

Usually people put us in an uncomfortable position when they want to offend, rise at our expense, take revenge, or simply vent their anger. This can happen both at work and with friends and even family. But for each case, there is a certain strategy for how to resolve the situation, preserving your honor and not entering into conflict.

With colleagues

If they try to insult you, humiliate you, or just tease you, the most important thing is not to be afraid to fight back. You should not be afraid that a conflict will occur, the main thing is not to miss the moment, otherwise you can lose respect, as well as self-respect and just become a “beating doll”. There are many techniques that can be applied in various situations.

1. theater of the absurd.“If your colleague decides to provoke you with a stupid statement or a taunt, you overwhelm him not with a stream of abuse and criticism, but with a completely absurd reaction. At the same time, you do not offend, but put in an uncomfortable position. For this, reworked well-known wise sayings, proverbs or sayings are best suited, ”says MATHIAS NELKE, journalist, writer and psychologist. Example: Anya is a vegetarian. At a corporate event, when she was serving herself vegetables, and her colleague was serving deli meats, the latter suddenly declared: “Yeah, these vegetarians are all sick in the head.” To which Anna replied: "Everyone goes crazy in their own way." With the help of this technique, you can avoid a stupid and aimless dispute with the interlocutor and give a worthy rebuff.
2. You're right.“Instead of explaining and defending yourself, you agree with the “attacker”, but at the same time you exaggerate his reproach. Thus, you avoid an open conflict, and others consider you able to laugh at yourself, which will undoubtedly add points to you, ”says psychologist SVETLANA DUBININA. Example: "Tanya, what disgusting harsh perfume you have!". "You're right, they poison cockroaches in Iceland!"
3. Kindergarten. If you do not want to respond to the barbs of others, imagine them as small children. Children swear, cry, shout, fight, call names. And a wise adult just waits for them to calm down. You do not react to their words and attacks, it is ridiculous for you to watch them as a wise adult.
4. Leave for tomorrow. If you are not able and in the mood to answer now, just decide for yourself what you will think about it tomorrow. You can't always have the right answer ready.
5. Earplugs in your ears.“You pretend that you didn’t hear the opponent’s insult or taunt in full, and turn part of the phrase in the direction you need. Great for when there is an audience nearby,” advises Matthias Nelke. Example: "Katya, you turn me inside out." “You can’t wear a jacket inside out: it’s ugly and uncomfortable.”

With the chef

Sometimes the boss does not control himself, showering you with insults or humiliating your dignity. Don't leave it unattended.

1. Expectation.“Wait until the boss finishes chastising you. No need to interrupt or make excuses. During the tirade, it may turn out that he gave you one task, but is now demanding a decision on a completely different issue, or he simply misunderstood your actions in relation to the project. When he finishes, you can reasonably assess his claims and retort,” advises Matthias Nelke.
2. Objection. If your boss insults you instead of discussing work, you should interrupt him and say, “Sorry, I can’t talk to you like that. When you calm down, I'll come." He will have time to think about his actions, and you will not let yourself be humiliated.

On practice

If you think that you cannot withstand the blow, then use the technique of Svetlana Dubinina. This technique is called "Fan". Analyze what you react to most painfully. What annoys you? What infuriates or discourages? Remember specific words, intonations, gestures, annoying behavior of your opponents or offenders.

• Close your eyes and again remember all the most offensive, biting, burning words that make you feel confused and worthless or outbursts of aggression.
• Remember your offender. Do you feel yourself filled with anger? Bring on the feeling of being hit. What part of your body reacts to it? What is happening: you are thrown into a fever, into a cold, there is a small shiver in your whole body? Use the emotional ventilation technique. Imagine that there is a powerful fan between you and the offender, his words do not reach you: they are carried away by the wind in the opposite direction. Do right hand figure and cover it tightly with the palm of your left hand.
• Mentally direct it to the person who is trying to throw you off balance. In childhood, this technique helped to take revenge on the offender and calm down. Open your eyes - now you are ready to withstand any blow and join the fight with new forces.

Through barriers

In order for nothing to stop you from parrying, you need to overcome some internal barriers.

• Maintain inner strength. When you are insulted, teased or teased, it takes you by surprise. Therefore, you cannot parry. When an unpleasant situation arises, erect your own protective screen inside. It will allow you to keep your distance, but at the same time remain relaxed even in a heated environment.
• Follow the movements. Our insecurities are betrayed by our bodies. A confident posture will give you the stamina to parry a blow. Stand straight, distribute the load on your legs, one should not stand close to the other. Do not constantly change your position: it will give the impression that you are uncomfortable.
• With malice. This feeling will help you mobilize faster and, in turn, go on an active counteroffensive.

With friends

The closest people, too, sometimes go too far. So, a joke can hurt to the core, and constant jokes can annoy and humiliate. But for these cases, there are excellent solutions.

1. "I agree". If your friends keep teasing you about the same trait or action of yours, go ahead. They do this to get your stormy reaction, but if they stop getting it, then the jokes will gradually stop.
2. Straight Talk. Sometimes, if a person does not understand that this is a cruel joke, you just need to tell him about it. Perhaps he joked without thinking, and at that moment it was funny to him, and you were offended. The main thing - do not be shy to admit it, because such behavior of a joker can be repeated again and again if the essence of the situation is not explained to him. You will not be known as a hypocrite, but save peace of mind, calm down and prevent the reappearance of such jokes that humiliate your dignity.

In contact with

Like the law of meanness, all the necessary words and expressions come to our minds fifteen to thirty minutes or an hour after the end of the conflict. And how I would always like to shoot accurately at the enemy in order to verbally defeat him. There are quite a lot of situations in life when the ability to openly stand up for oneself is required, but not every person has this skill. The following methods will help those who are constantly faced with similar situations.

1. When one person verbally steps on another, the other is able to give out his internal state just body gestures, starting to nod your head or squeeze out a semblance of a smile. Or breathing often and lowering your eyes to the floor. At the same time, he may not even say anything. Thus, he further adds confidence to the enemy in his strength.

Such behavior can harm a person and therefore one should stand firm in front of the enemy, with a cold and calm expression on the face. It might not be easy for some. After waiting for him to free himself from anger and let off steam, in calm tone tell him everything that you thought up while the dirty negative of someone else was pouring on you. If they try to interrupt you, declare that you also have the right to speak.

2. Use negative "I disagree with...", "I don't...". By starting your speech in this way, you can strictly adhere to only the topic of the dispute, and do not allow it to be transferred to other people who are not related to it.

3. Apologizing while speaking is very inappropriate, and trying to make excuses is even worse. Standing up for yourself means saying everything that needs to be said with weight, and you can apologize for rude words later, when clarity comes after the storm.

4. No less important in such a situation is the sound of the voice. You should speak in a calm, not trembling voice, giving them steely notes. By doing this, you will show that you are in complete control of the situation, and nothing can knock you off the path that you are confidently walking on. Ideally, you need to end the speech with a gradual decrease in voice, thereby reaching a peak.

5. Have the last word. If it is not possible to resolve the situation, and the other side does not want to recognize your opinion, and given that you are absolutely right, it would be best to end the conversation with these words: “It seems that in this situation we will not be able to change anything, each of us will remain at his own opinion." Ideally, they should agree with you. You can resolve the conflict with the authorities by offering some more or less correct solution or compromise.

Unfortunately, such situations are not always possible to avoid. Sometimes they overtake you unexpectedly, like an enemy from around the corner, as if someone specially set them up. And while there are conflicting people, they will constantly look for "scapegoats" on whom you can safely merge all the negativity, put pressure on or humiliate them. "Scapegoats" are a special category of people, very necessary for some individuals, usually existing in large groups, but that's another story.

Heading to the sporting goods store, parents, along with balance bikes, bicycles, roller skates and other sports equipment, sweep the back, knee, wrist protection kits and even helmets for their active children from the windows. In such "armor" the child will be protected from external factors that, when playing sports, can cause physical harm. And how to help a child learn to protect his "I"? “I am a Parent” outlined the rules that will help strengthen the inner core in the child and educate. By the way, it is quite possible that our advice will be useful to many adults in communicating with other adults.

Rule one. Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes and be an optimist!

Imagine dinner at kindergarten. Your child accidentally drops a plate and it, along with the carrot casserole, hits the tiled floor and shatters. How will the baby react? Is he afraid that the teacher will scold him? Will he run away from the scene or will he assure that he did not do it? Teach your child to admit his mistakes, not to hide from responsibility, but at the same time not to make a tragedy out of what happened and see the best in everything! Grow an optimist. After all, the plates beat for happiness! No one cut himself - isn't that a miracle? Another kid will definitely catch up with the optimistic kid, who will share his carrot casserole. After all, eating together is much more fun. And when the child gets older, the ability to bear for his actions and optimism will always help him defend his "I" and find ways out of the most.

Rule two. Do not respond to attempts to humiliate you!

Of course, no one has managed to escape from teasing, nicknames and name-calling. Another question is how to respond to them. Someone distorting their own last name or first name can bring them to tears in the school toilet, and someone can make them smile. Teach your child to ignore teasing and not to come up with nicknames for other people because everyone has a name. You just need to assimilate this truth, but do not dwell on it. If a child begins to explain to everyone with trembling lips that in fact “I have a name!!!”, this will only provoke the crowd. "Don't react or smile back" is a homegrown optimist's unexpected but pleasant take on name-calling. Just imagine how this simple philosophy will help the child in the future, when people say things much more offensive to him than teasing in kindergarten.

Rule three. Show no fear.

The child is returning from school. On the way, older children meet and begin to threaten. No one has the right to force a person to act against his will, as well as to threaten or hurt - this is what your child must learn. It is worth explaining to him that you need to be able to defend yourself, however, not always with the help of fists. You need to be able to find the strength in yourself to smooth out the conflict and not show it, even if it's so scary that your voice trembles. Holding on and having a confident dialogue is the most important thing. Well, if it doesn’t help, and the offender starts, then your child should be able to protect himself. teach him simple tricks self defense. Just in case. If he knows that he can respond to a physical blow, then in such situations it will be easier for him to “hit” with words.

Rule four. Know how to say "no".

The desk mate asks your child to carry his briefcase, and the child agrees. Masha from the parallel class is constantly begging for sweets, and your son gives her all the sweets that you put him with you. Of course, responsiveness and kindness are good qualities, friends should definitely be helped and shared with them, but the child needs to be shown the difference between friendship and manipulation. The child must be taught to say "no" if he does not want to do something. Otherwise, he, at the same time with everyone, or simply out of habit to give in to a friend in everything, will not be able to say “no” when he is offered “let's try a cigarette” or “go hit this boy”. Teach your child that he always has a choice and should not be afraid to refuse something. One must be kind, but one must not allow others to take advantage of that kindness.

Rule five. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Your child fails to make a plasticine craft, and, tired of fighting with stubborn material, he leaves the idea and does not return to it anymore. Asking adults for help is a shame, because he himself is already big, and peers can be ashamed, because they succeeded. Teach your child not to be ashamed of not being able to do something and to ask for help. But asking for help does not mean pushing everything onto others. Let them show him how to properly hold the plasticine in his palms or fashion one of the details, but he can handle the rest himself. Thus, the child will feel that he, too, can and knows how and will not be complex because of failures. And if today you teach him how to correctly ask for help in such trifles, then tomorrow it will help him cope with much more complex life tasks.

Rule six. Instill a love for sports.

Let's go back to the same sports shop that started it all. Remember that a morning jog with mom, winter skiing with dad, or serious swimming will help build self-confidence. Infect your child with a love of sports. This is good for you and for him. , motivates to achieve the goal in the competition and will certainly lead to victory. A child who has experienced the taste of winning in sports will win in life and will certainly always be able to stand up for himself in difficult situations. In addition, a physically strong child is not easy to offend, humiliate or force to do something against his will.

Not every person is able to fight back in a conflict situation. Sometimes self-doubt, fear of an opponent, external adverse circumstances drive us into a corner. Without rebuffing offenders, we accumulate resentment and stress inside, which can significantly affect our health. That's why it's important to know how to stand up for yourself. We will talk about this further.

Why is it important to take care of yourself?

Each person is influenced by circumstances and the society around him. Not always other people treat us with due respect. Sometimes there are conflicts that can seriously damage self-esteem. The inability to protect oneself in a conflict situation leads to an increase in self-doubt, anxiety and dissatisfaction. Stress increases and it is impossible to cope with it.

Communication with other people should be based on mutual respect. If a person crosses the line, it is important to fight back, otherwise you will forever lose his respect and after that you will be attacked again. It is important for each person not only to listen to others, but also to be heard. It is necessary to defend your position, and not retreat under the stream of criticism. To achieve heights, self-realization, achieve your goals, you need to be able to communicate correctly with the people around you. That's why it's important to know how to stand up for yourself.

Wrong manner of communication

It is the manner of communication that determines the attitude of the interlocutor in the process of communication. If you speak quietly and are afraid to look into the eyes of others, it is easier for you to remain silent than to defend your own point of view, you always retreat under pressure from others, which means that you are a very insecure person, and it is very difficult for you to stand up for yourself. Most likely, the people around you often use it, but you are unlikely to be satisfied with this state of affairs.

Attacks on the interlocutor, increased tone, excessive emotionality during a dispute, insults and rudeness during a conversation characterize you as an aggressive person. In this case, most likely, it is from your attacks that others may suffer.

For normal communication with people, you need to behave openly, but not aggressively, you need to respect both the interlocutor and yourself, not be afraid of someone else's opinion, but also not try to impose your own. You should not fulfill other people's requests if you yourself do not want it or it is unprofitable for you. You have to learn to say no to others. Next, let's look at how to learn to stand up for yourself.

love yourself

First of all, you yourself must learn to value yourself as a person. You must be confident in your actions, you should not adapt to other people. Of course, you need to listen to someone else's opinion, take other people's advice. But at the same time, you should not blindly follow them. If something is unprofitable or unpleasant for you, you should not force yourself. A person with good self-esteem will never allow himself to be used or urged on. It is worth remembering that you are also a person who has the right to his own opinion. Before you stand up for yourself in front of the offenders, it is worth doing inner work on yourself.

Build Your Confidence

Only a confident person can achieve heights. No one has the right to consider himself superior to others. We are all equal and have the right to our own point of view. You must defend your opinion, while you need to make sure that you yourself do not violate other people's rights and freedoms. Respect others, but first of all start respecting yourself. How to stand up for yourself? Become a confident person, do not be afraid of the people around you. Show others that you are worthy of respect.

Several ways to protect yourself

Let's look at the main ways to stand up for yourself with words:

1. You should not immediately respond to an insult, you need to give yourself a little time to think. If something is urgently required of you and you are not sure of your answer, ask for a delay. Think about the situation and give an answer with a cool head.
2. Don't hold on to resentment. If you don’t like something when communicating with other people, if something annoys you, speak about it directly, and do not endure silently. Stress tends to accumulate, and soon your unpleasant emotions will come out anyway. That's just not the fact that at this moment you can control yourself.
3. Feel free to ask questions. Sometimes we can think a lot for ourselves, so it is important to clarify the situation in time and ask the interlocutor the right questions.
4. Argument your position.
5. Start small. If you learn to say “no” to the minor requests of others, you will soon be able to fight back in more serious situations. For example, you will be able to protect yourself when the boss decides to put more responsibilities on you than was provided for in the employment contract.

How to teach a child to protect himself

It is important to teach your child how to stand up for himself so that he does not become a victim of bullying. The children's team has its own outcasts, which become insecure people. The child is not able to fight back in the children's team, and after all his life he will be a victim of more arrogant and self-confident people.

We list how to teach a child to stand up for himself:

1. Protect the child and help him resolve conflicts.
2. Explain to him how he can protect himself.
3. Respect your child, but don't let him manipulate you.
4. On own experience show how to communicate properly with other people.
5. Build a trusting relationship with your child so that he is not afraid to talk about his problems and ask for help.
6. Let him solve the problems that have arisen, but be ready to help at any time.

Thus, we examined how to be able to stand up for yourself in a conflict situation. The main thing is to be confident in yourself. It is also important, when defending your own opinion, not to cross the line that will turn you from a victim into an aggressor. You need to respect your interlocutor, but at the same time do not forget about respect for yourself.